


You and I

by chararii



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Denial, Drama, F/F, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Hate Sex, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Mild Smut, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Sexual Content, Slow Burn, Sort Of, Time Travel, Trauma, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, to enemies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:48:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 29,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26398159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chararii/pseuds/chararii
Summary: Apprenticing under the great Senju Tsunade is meant to be her new start. It's the opportunity that's supposed to make her strong under a teacher that pays attention to her and her progress. Someone who cares about her. Who looks at her.It's not.
Relationships: Haruno Sakura/Tsunade
Comments: 20
Kudos: 135
Collections: 5 stars





	1. Part I: Sakura

**Author's Note:**

> Two days ago I spontaneously decided to write this fic I wanted to write for a long time. I estimated it to be around 5k. I'm now at 15k and have one, possibly two more part to write. Those word counts really sneak up on you.

Part I: Sakura

Sakura doesn't know where she went wrong. If perhaps her first impression had been lacking, if somehow her conviction wasn't enough. She tries so very hard. She studies day and night, completes her assignments in record time, listens dutifully and tries not to ask too many questions. Shizune loves her. Shishou doesn't.

Perhaps the woman's obvious reluctance to take her in should have been the first warning sign. It took days to convince the legendary sannin. Sakura was turned down time and time again to the point where even Shizune looked at the Hokage as if she wasn't quite sure what the issue was. Sakura was just about to give up when with a grunt, and an unhappy roll of her eyes, the blonde woman finally agreed. Sakura was ecstatic. A feeling that soon wore off.

“Am I not a good student?” Sakura asks one night when she's alone in the hospital, studying her material while Shizune keeps watch. She's seen more of shishou's former apprentice than her own master. A Hokage is busy. Sakura knows that. Still...

“What? Of course not. You progress fast.” Sakura bites her lip and doesn't ask why her teacher doesn't want to teach her even though she does so well. It's Kakashi-sensei all over again except this time it stings so much more since Sakura puts in so much effort. Effort that is never, not once, recognised. Shishou treats her like a ghost. As if Sakura doesn't truly exist.

She reminds herself not to be thankless and chases the doubt away. Her studies are more important. And who knows. Perhaps the situation will improve. At this point, hope is all Sakura has left.

It does not get better. All Sakura can do is learn to live with it. When Naruto asks her what training under 'baa-chan' was like, she offers the usual empty words she repeated so much she could recite them in her sleep.

Busy. Fascinating. Hard. Rewarding.

She doesn't want anyone to know that she's not worth the woman's time and that most of what she learned, she learned from Shizune. The shame threatens to choke her every time Naruto pesters her for details until eventually, she learns to avoid him. It's not his fault. Rationally, Sakura knows this. Yet he turns into a constant reminder that he was good enough to be taught by his master for three years while Sakura was... not.

She perfects the art of misdirection, distracting the boy with a smile, and prefers wasting her money on ramen for him instead of having to actually talk. Kakashi, who suddenly is around once more, raises his eyebrows at her whenever she does it though Sakura is quite certain he doesn't know the truth. God, does she hope he doesn't. She can't go back to being the weak, disregarded link. Has to prove herself. Be recognised by someone because she knows her own teacher refuses to.

Only once, does she get the feeling that there is more to the situation than she knows. It's the first time she's in the same room with Jiraiya and shishou. Naruto is present too, as are Kakashi and Sai. It's a meeting of some sort, their team is reinstated, Jiraiya is there for reasons unknown. Sakura is, mentally, miles away. Until she notices the way the old man looks at her.

Sakura heard tales from Naruto and others, is fully aware of his perverted tendencies. She opens her mouth, ready to tell him to quit staring when his eyes widen ever so slightly.

“Oh, hime...,” he whispers as he stares at Sakura before slowly moving to shishou who, as always, refuses to even acknowledge Sakura's existence. She's gotten used to it now and it barely even stings anymore. At least that's what she tells herself.

“After all these years-”

“Shut up.” The blonde silences him with a single command, two words filled with such fury and malice Sakura instinctively takes one step backwards. Jiraiya, while not cowed, still quiets down and instead musters Sakura one last time. She can't quite read him, doesn't know the man well enough to interpret his micro-expressions yet if she didn't know any better, she'd claim that he looks almost... sad.

She wants to ask. In the end, a single look at her shishou's back convinces her not to. The woman never liked her. There's no reason to make it worse.

By the time Sakura experiences war for the first time in her life, she has accepted the unfortunate nature of her relationship with her teacher, non-existent as it is. It doesn't sting anymore. Shizune is more than enough and the only technique Sakura had to learn from her teacher in name only, is the byakugou and everything that's related to it. Medicine, healing and hospital work took up most of her time and Sakura counts Shizune as her closest friend and treats her with all the respect a teacher deserves.

While she would never badmouth the Godaime Hokage, Sakura is quite sure that those closest to her have noticed how little she cares for the older woman and how she almost clings to Shizune instead. It's not ideal and as far away from what thirteen year old Sakura would have wanted as possible but it works.

After the war, she settles into a nice comfortable routine. Shizune is in charge of the hospital now and Sakura her second-in-command. She spends most evenings in the older woman's company, enjoys tea and shopping with Ino, eats ramen with Naruto, goes on her first official date with Sasuke, gets her first tattoo from Sai.

The latter has the most unexpected sort of consequences.

“What is that?” It's not exactly her finest moment but after years of being ignored, Sakura thinks she is perfectly justified in her reaction. She blinks a few times, mouth slightly agape, as she mutely stares at the Hokage who couldn't have possibly addressed her. The woman's honey eyes begin to twitch and Sakura knows she's about to run out of time.

“Um... what's what?” she replies and stumbles over her words as she's so caught off-guard she has trouble regaining her footing. Sakura came into Shizune's office to go over next week's surgery schedule. Not to be confronted with a teacher who never even talked to her all that much, suddenly deciding she's worth the time.

“On your shoulder,” she positively growls and Sakura automatically reaches up only to twitch and hiss in pain. Right.

“Um, a... a tattoo. My, ah, teammate is an artist and he offered-” She doesn't get much farther than that. The blonde lets out a sound Sakura couldn't name even if she tried, something between a howl and a scream, before shouldering past her and stomping out of the office. Sakura blinks, then looks at Shizune who seems just as surprised as her.

“What did I do?” Sakura asks. Shizune shrugs. The latter revealed years ago that she has no idea why Tsunade scorns Sakura so. Sakura shakes her head, then gets back to work. It takes less than a day for her to forget about the odd encounter.

One week later, Sakura immediately notices that something is wrong. Shizune is more stressed than usual, her hair is frizzy and her clothes rumpled.

“The Hokage is missing,” is all she says and while Sakura doesn't feel particularly attached to the older woman, she knows that Tsunade is all Shizune ever had. She draws the older woman into an embrace and allows her to use her as a pillar for a few minutes. She doesn't cry, would never, but her shoulders shake and Sakura bites her lip and pulls her closer.

The day doesn't improve from there. Everyone's in an uproar and work is hectic. Shizune leaves after a while to join the search party and so Sakura shoulders their combined workload on her own. Hours go by and the sky darkens until it's way past midnight and Sakura is exhausted. With a yawn and unsteady movements, she forces herself on her feet. Whatever still needs to be done, can be taken care of tomorrow.

She's just about to exit Shizune's office when from nowhere, someone slings an arm around her neck. Sakura begins to struggle immediately but whoever they are, are much much stronger than her. Sakura has just enough time to panic over the knowledge that she's supposed to be the second strongest person in the village and is still being overpowered, before the lights around her dim and her eyes fall shut.

She wakes to the feeling of cold stone against bare skin and fuinjutsu covering her body from head to toe. When Sakura looks up, she expects to be faced with a stranger.

“I hate you.”

Those are the last words she hears before Sakura feels a tug in her stomach and reality slipping through her fingers.

She falls and dreams of sake, honey eyes and an endless chorus of “I hate you, I hate you, IHATEYOU-”

This time when she opens her eyes, Sakura is met by the white ceiling of the hospital. Her head hurts and she's disoriented so she doesn't immediately notice that the interior is a little off, the colours slightly different. She's too distracted by the grim male duo standing next to her bedside. Faces she can match to names immediately.

“Oh no,” she breathes as her face turns ashen and she instinctively scrambles backwards. Her hands begin to shake as her breathing turns erratic. No way. This isn't happening to her, this can't be happening to her-

“You arrived with a note. According to whoever sent you here, this is where you're meant to be.” Sakura freezes, then looks up. Studies tanned skin and dark hair, fair skin and white hair. Senju Hashirama and Senju Tobirama. Senju- remembers. Opens her mouth, then immediately shuts it.

_'I hate you'._

“I- I don't know...” She trails off as panic resurfaces. Why did she do it? Why did she send Sakura back? Why-

“OI! GRANDPA!” Sakura jumps violently as her head snaps to the side with a violent crack where, with two males right behind her, in all her glory, stands a young Tsunade. Sakura's eyes go wide as she stares at her, a woman her own age, only for said woman to blink, then wink with a grin on her face.

“Hey there, beautiful.”

Once more, she is the last thought on her mind before Sakura passes out.

“Tsunade, can you stop? For once in your life? Please.”

“What? Look at her. She's cute.”

“She's also a stranger that appeared out of nowhere and is, according to the Shodaime, not even from this time.”

“Even better. She won't mind if I move on after a week or two.”

“You are literally the worst.”

“Stuff it, snakeface.”

“Snakeface? Is that truly the best you could come up with?”

“I'll show you-”

“Hey, shut up you two! She's waking up.”

Sakura opens her eyes only to immediately wish she hadn't. Not a dream. This is not a dream. Her mouth is dry as her breath once more turns laboured until she begins to feel dizzy.

“Hey hey, calm down. Here, let me help.” A warm hand brushes against Sakura's forehead and minty cool chakra soothes her frayed nerves. Sakura can breathe easier now. Her vision sharpens once more and when the hand retreats, she finds herself gazing straight into honey eyes.

“I'm Tsunade, the Hokage's granddaughter! Pleasure to meet'cha!” Sakura lets her head fall onto white pillows as she desperately tries to marry this perky cheerful attentive young woman to the aged Tsunade who has made it her life's mission to never ever acknowledge Sakura. Which is only the tip of the honest to god time travel iceberg.

“I'm Jiraiya, yeah!” Sakura stares at the chipper white-haired boy, then can't help but freeze when the third member of their group speaks up.

“Orochimaru.” A single bead of sweat rolls down her temple as Sakura is met by her first nightmare except he's so much younger and infinitely less malicious that she almost feels sick. She prays to whatever deity is listening that she is asleep and can wake up soon. Sakura knows her pleas are futile. Knows she is here and that for some reason shishou did this to her. That there might as well be no way back.

“Uncle is already working on a solution to your problem. Since we're all currently off the mission roster, grandpa told us the truth about your appearance and asked us to show you around and stuff. Oh, what's your name?” It takes her a while to remember how to speak, so thoroughly disarmed by this strange version of a woman she's more or less known for years.

“S- Sakura,” she murmurs only to gasp quietly when young Tsunade's smile widens and she leans just a little closer.  
“Pretty name to match the pretty face. Charmed.” It is not the unexpected time travel, or Orochimaru, or even meeting the Shodaime Hokage that confuses Sakura the most.

No. What confuses her the most, is this eighteen year old Tsunade and the question what the hell is going to happen to her in the years to come.

“What's that on your shoulder?” Sakura pauses, then follows Tsunade's line of sight. Peeking out from underneath the simple set of clothing the hospital staff has supplied her with, is the tip of the wing belonging to an ink bird Sai has tattooed onto her skin.

“Oh. My teammate is an artist. He gave me this tat...too...” She trails off as unbidden, the memory from what she remembers to be a week ago, returns. Shishou's question, the yowl, the furious retreat. Sakura's fingers begin to shake as she realises that the woman had known. Had seen the tattoo and immediately known that she would have to act soon.

And act she did. On the day of her disappearance where she, Sakura is willing to bet, prepared whatever ritual she had used to force Sakura into her own past with little more than three hateful words to guide her.

“You ok there? Seem a bit lost in thought.” Sakura stares at young Tsunade until she can no longer bear the sight. Without quite realising what she's doing, Sakura inches away from her, closer to the window. She has too many questions and too few answers. Yet what Sakura does know, without question, is who this young woman will grow up to be.

She thinks of the scorn, the dismissal, the neglect and outright coldness and promises herself to stay as far away from her as possible.

Perhaps she can fix this. Perhaps this is her chance to give younger her a better future. All she has to do is keep her distance. Whatever made Tsunade hate Sakura so cannot happen if Sakura is not around to cause it in the first place.

Her plan to avoid the woman is simple. The execution, anything but. A day after her initial admittance, Sakura is released out into the wild and a village so incredibly different, yet at its core still the same. The general shape and layout, while smaller, is familiar to her even if the sight of a lively and active Uchiha district with more dark-haired people than she can count send her into a minor panic attack.

Sasuke should be here, she thinks. Sasuke should see this. If, when, Sakura goes back to where she's meant to be, she will pester Sai until he draws enough pictures from Sakura's descriptions that Sasuke can line the walls of his newly renovated home.

The initial shock of a passive and non-homicidal Orochimaru wears off soon. He's quiet and reserved, polite and intelligent. Only knowledge of future deeds keep Sakura wary and away from him. Jiraiya is... very much like Naruto, if a hundred times more lecherous. Still, he's a tiny shred of familiarity so Sakura prefers his company.

And Tsunade...

Sakura has few words to describe Tsunade and how jarring her presence is. She is bright and lively, as quick to anger as she is to laugh. She draws attention wherever she goes, can't help but stand out and thrives in it. She dresses in a way that perfectly compliments how she acts. Provocative, flirty, downright seductive.

Nothing at all like the Tsunade Sakura is used to. She avoids her whenever possible, keeps her distance, on occasion even runs from her neither of which is easy considering the blonde knows the territory like the back of her hand. And on top of that, seems interested in a way Sakura is not at all comfortable with.

“Tsuna? Ah, she's a flirt. Has a different lover every week. Makes it really hard for a guy to get a girlfriend when the entire damn female population of Konoha is in love with her,” Jiraiya grumbles when Sakura asks him about his blonde team mate.

“Don't worry about it. You're new so she's curious but the curiosity will die down eventually. She doesn't really stick with anyone. Ever.” Sakura swallows, then nods. Even if she were interested in women or affected by young Tsunade's nigh breathtaking beauty and charm, memories of events that have yet to happen, will forever keep her out of the Senju's arms.

Occasionally, she wonders if a romantic entanglement gone wrong is what made shishou hate her so. The idea seems ridiculous yet during the long and lonely nights in which Sakura has little more to do than think, the possibility enters her mind. Just once, just for a second. She dismisses it soon after, knows there is no way any of that could ever happen.

The spark of an idea stays.

A month later, Sakura has to acknowledge the incredible inaccuracy of Jiraiya's statement. Three weeks past the one week interest he has prophesised, Tsunade is still orbiting around Sakura as a moth would around a source of light. And the worst part is that she is getting increasingly harder to ignore. Sakura has never known shishou to be a subtle person. Though more from hearsay rather than personal interaction, tales of the woman's temper and general bearing have reached her ears more than once.

Now that she is in immediate proximity of her, with no shield of major dislike between them, Sakura experiences the full brunt of that intensity.

“What Tsunade wants, Tsunade gets. Whether or not the world agrees or disagrees.” Orochimaru proves less than helpful and all Sakura gets from that rather brief conversation, is a potent feeling of discomfort in her lower stomach region. She doesn't leave her assigned apartment for two days, lost in her own thoughts and head.

Will shishou hate her because Sakura refuses her? Will shishou hate her because Sakura gives in and it all goes downhill? Why the hell is she even in this situation?! If shishou wishes to be rid of her, she shouldn't have sent her back in the first place. With no prior connection, they both could have had a fresh start. And, if future Tsunade's personality is anything to go by, a better one at that.

In her desperation, Sakura approaches the Nidaime. She works at the hospital for now, which is both comforting and beyond irritating considering Tsunade is her immediate superior. After a month of outstanding work, she is tentatively accepted by those around her to the point where her request to meet with the man is granted.

“Time is a complex concept that nobody can ever hope to fully understand. It is not a line, neither is it a circle. Different strands run in different directions, much like multiple rivers that merge into the same sea,” he speaks calmly, sitting behind a desk covered in papers and notes on fuinjutsu.

“Despite her youth, Tsunade is remarkably wise. If she deemed it necessary to make sure certain events repeat, she must consider them vital to the future you come from.”

“Even if they made her hate me?” Sakura asks during a brief moment of vulnerability that she tries so very hard to keep close to her chest. The man hums once, then nods sagely.

“Even then.”

“You know a lot of cool tricks. Where'd you learn them?” Tsunade is impossible to shake and Sakura has shifted her attention from attempting to avoid her, to try and find the best way to deal with her continued presence. At least during their hospital shifts she is professional and doesn't attempt to go further than addressing Sakura by various nicknames.

“My teacher,” she replies as she repairs a small number of fractures in a young academy student's hipbone.

“Your teacher sounds pretty smart,” Tsunade retorts, and were she anyone else, Sakura would chuckle at the irony of that statement.

“She is.” Because that, at least, is undeniable. For all her other faults, shishou is the most intelligent person Sakura has ever known.

“What's she like?” She pauses briefly, then smiles at the boy and pats him on the shoulder as he gingerly gets off the bed. Discharging him gives Sakura just enough time to think about how to answer, only to realise that she truly has nothing to go off of.

“I... don't know. She-” No. Sakura stops herself. No good could possibly come from mentioning anything related to future Tsunade to her younger self.

“Yeah?” The blonde is curious and leans closer. Jade meets honey and Sakura feels her mouth dry a little at the sudden proximity.

“She doesn't like me much,” Sakura finally admits before turning away and seeking distance. Part of her strategy to deal with the Senju relies on the simple principle that satisfying one need temporarily distracts her from the other. As long as Sakura answers questions, Tsunade is too curious to continue flirting.

“Eh? How can she not like you? You're too cute to dislike.” Most of the time, anyway.

“I... I don't know,” is what Sakura says.

 _'You tell me,'_ is what she thinks.

“Do you know when I'll be able to go back?” Sakura asks two months later.

“There were no additional notes, not even a hint. Whatever the solution is, I am obviously meant to figure it out on my own,” the Nidaime explains, then gives her a look that underneath the chilly exterior carries a faint hint of compassion.

“It could take years.”

“Yeah, this is getting ridiculous,” Jiraiya grumbles from where he sits in the grass next to Sakura. They're resting on the edge of the training field and watch Tsunade and Orochimaru go at each other with everything they have. From the stories and comparisons Sakura has drawn between the sannin and her own team, she had expected the strongest rivalry within their team to be between Jiraiya and Orochimaru.

In truth, the white-haired male is more laidback than Naruto ever was. Loud, yes, boisterous, incredibly so. Yet in comparison to his two team mates... Sakura observes Tsunade rip out an entire tree and launch it at Orochimaru who channels enough lightning to his fingertips to split the trunk in two as it sails towards him. Tsunade's competitive streak is larger than her ego and Orochimaru, despite doing his best to appear like he's above her constant teasing, is very much receptive to it.

“They're worse than my team,” Sakura answers and plucks a few blades of grass off the ground.

“That's not what I meant.” Jiraiya sounds more serious than usual, so Sakura raises her head only to find his face grim and eyes fixated on Tsunade.

“I used to like her, you know. Romantically. Before we all grew up and I realised that she shags only women.” A habit Sakura has seen little of so far. The blonde sannin likes to use everything she has at her disposal to get preferential treatment wherever she goes and while she does flirt, Sakura has yet to watch her sneak off with anyone. Though considering her status as future legendary sannin, she should probably expect her to be subtle.

“Tsuna hasn't gotten laid ever since you showed up.” Sakura stills. She swallows audibly and frantically tries to control her heartbeat.

“She's my friend. My closest friend, along with Orochimaru. If you're not into women that's cool but I've never seen her so obsessed with one single person before,” Jiraiya continues and every cell of Sakura's body screams at her to get up and run away. She can't handle this, not on top of the recent revelation that she might be stuck in this time for years.

“You're nice, but... fuck with her and I'll show you what I'm capable of.” Sakura doesn't stick around for her turn in their training spar. Her only saving grace is that she keeps it together until she reaches her apartment where she crumbles to the floor and takes hours to recover from her panic attack.

“I- I'm sorry, but... I don't like women.”

“Aw. Shame. Well, we can still be friends. Anyway, you up for dinner with the idiots?”

“...yeah. Sure.”

Being friends with Tsunade is so easy, it's terrifying. She's still flirty and likes to tease but keeps a certain amount of distance now, never crosses into Sakura's personal space again. Jiraiya, at least, seems to approve. But now that the immediate danger is gone, Sakura suddenly notices all the tiny little details she _likes_.

Tsunade is always warm and sunny, tells the best jokes and turns Sakura's first hangover into a fantastic sleepover. Soon they go out for drinks twice a week and while the blonde will inevitably disappear with a stranger, she never outright ditches Sakura before the latter reaches her limit. On top of that, Tsunade is easily the best sparring partner Sakura ever had.

Rationally she's always known that their strengths match up considering their similar skill set though she never knew how much fun an actual mock fight against the blonde sannin can be. They devastate training fields and laugh when one unexpectedly catches the other in the face with an entire chunk of mountain. Tag-teaming Orochimaru without warning during a four-way spar becomes their new favourite past time.

A few weeks into their new friendship, Sakura starts to separate the woman beside her from the woman in her head and feels infinitely more comfortable around her to the point where she shares a few small tricks with her. Considering that the other is going to teach them to young Sakura in roughly thirty years, a little headstart can't do much harm.

Tsunade is an avid student and so impossibly intuitive and _quick_ , Sakura finds herself sharing more and more techniques with the blonde. The way her face lights up in triumph when she masters whatever Sakura has shown her in under a day sends tingles into Sakura's limbs that are so pleasant, she begins to chase the feeling.

Also, Tsunade's smile has got to be the most beautiful smile Sakura's ever seen in her entire life. Giving her a reason to smile more often seems only natural.

“Do you get homesick, sometimes?”

“...yeah.”

“Well. At least you have us. We've _got_ to be cooler than your lame ass teammates.”

“Hm... I suppose Jiraiya _is_ pretty cool.”

“OI!”

Not for the first or last time, Sakura wishes she had ever known her teacher as more than this remote untouchable figure. When Tsunade's younger brother dies on a mission, she is completely blindsided. She watches from the shadows, clothes soaked in the rain, as Tsunade breaks down and is comforted by Jiraiya.

Sakura feels like an intruder, is abruptly reminded of the fact that she's not supposed to be here. That these people have their own lives and she has no business intruding. That somewhere down the line she will make a mistake so grievous, the blonde will never get over her hatred for Sakura. It's that knowledge, that keeps her away. Sakura doubts she could help anyway. She has known them for little more than half a year. She is nothing in comparison to life-long friendships.

Torn between feeling like a coward and drowning in endless despair at her situation that still hasn't been resolved, Sakura misses the first knock. And the second. When the door to her apartment swings open without warning, she is finally pulled from her thoughts. Only to immediately drown in worry instead.  
Wet and soaked from head to toe, Tsunade stands in the doorway, eyes red and empty, bottom lip quivering in a way that has Sakura rush to her side immediately.

“I don't want to be alone,” the blonde whispers in between hiccups and Sakura doesn't need more than that. She pulls the woman inside, covers her in blankets and allows her to cuddle up to her as they sit on the floor.

“I'm sorry for bothering you. But the boys... they're...”

“It's okay. I get it,” Sakura murmurs as she thinks about how she never told them the truth about her difficult relationship to her teacher. Being vulnerable is never easy but it is hardest around those you are closest to.

“I don't want to sleep. If... If I wake up and N- Nawaki... isn't...” Sakura shifts her body towards Tsunade and pulls her closer, allows the blonde to hide her face in the crook of her neck. She doesn't know what to say, has no words that are good enough.

“I'm here,” is what she ends up whispering in Tsunade's ear. Sakura can't pinpoint the exact moment they fall asleep or indeed, who does so first, but when she wakes up Tsunade is gone and she is all alone.

She doesn't look for her, not until she knows if she's welcome. Jiraiya can't help, hasn't seen her since they separated. Orochimaru seems uncaring but the twitch of his shoulders gives him away. Sakura isn't one to force herself where she's not wanted, not anymore, but she recalls her promise and bites her lip before combing through the entire village like a woman possessed.

She searches bars and gambling dens first, then the training grounds. The Hokage monument is deserted and so are the woods close to the village. By the time the sun goes down, Sakura is exhausted and collapses as soon as she closes her apartment door behind her.

“Hey.” Too tired to shriek, Sakura merely rolls her head to the side and spots Tsunade sitting on her couch, Sakura's favourite blanket slung around her shoulders. Too relieved to finally have found her, Sakura forgets to be upset and instead drags her body onto the couch.

“Were you looking for me?” the blonde asks. Sakura yawns, then nods and ignores the unhappy growl of her stomach. She can eat after she takes a much needed nap.

“I was at home, grabbing a few things... Can... Can I stay with you? Just for a few days...” Tsunade is quiet and uncertain and Sakura hates it. Yawning once more, she merely nods and tugs at one of the blankets that still lie on the floor from the night before.

“Need sleep. Will cook later,” she mumbles before resting her cheek against Tsunade's arm and drifting off into a peaceful slumber.

A few days turns into weeks. Tsunade doesn't recover, not in ways anyone that's not Sakura could notice. She doesn't do much the first five days, sleeps, eats when told to and stares at the wall for hours at a time. When grocery shopping, Sakura makes a quick detour and lets Jiraiya know where Tsunade is. He and Orochimaru don't visit, infinitely more experienced with what Tsunade wants and needs. Instead, they leave her favourite foods, sweets and alcohol on the doorstep.

Sakura herself has no idea what to do but she doesn't take Tsunade to be the kind of person who enjoys being coddled. As far as Sakura can judge, her hunch proves correct. Pretending that everything is normal evokes no negative reaction so Sakura takes that as a win and goes with it. She's a decent cook and Tsunade who, she eventually learns, is a disaster and a half in the kitchen, appears to appreciate her culinary ability. While the blonde is more hindrance than help when it comes to cooking, she cleans up after herself and does the laundry without further prompting.

On top of that Tsunade turns out to be some sort of secret genius when Sakura's kitchen sink breaks. It takes her less than half an hour to find the flaw and fix it. The apartment is cheap and simple, nothing at all like the halls of the Senju compound the blonde is used to. A princess in every aspect, Sakura would have expected her to have higher standards or at least complain every now and then. She never does.

If anything, Sakura thinks as she watches Tsunade take apart the shower for a reason she can't even remember, the work seems to soothe her. It keeps her mind and hands busy and Sakura is glad for it. If the blonde will ever be able to return to medical work is uncertain; her reaction when Sakura accidentally cuts herself with a knife is anything but promising. She takes great care to prevent further injuries from then on.

“What do you want for dinner?” she calls out from the kitchen, loud enough to be heard over the noise of metal meeting metal.

“Whatever.” Tsunade's still not the most talkative but a reaction is better than nothing at all. And 'whatever' translates into 'whatever _you_ want' and Sakura is very much alright with that. They settled into a comfortable routine so she knows to avoid eggplant and liver and always serve some sake with dinner. As long as those conditions are met, Tsunade isn't picky.

If she improves or not isn't clear to Sakura. Yet as more and more of the blonde's things mysteriously end up in her apartment, letters land in Sakura's mailbox, and eventually the rent is paid before Sakura can take care of it, she begins to realise that, in her own way, Tsunade is gradually bouncing back.

That Sakura has gained a roommate as a direct result of that doesn't bother her.

“Do you guys live together?” Jiraiya asks one afternoon when they both shop for groceries. Sakura inspects a bundle of tomatoes and shrugs.

“I guess. She pays the rent,” she replies, then pays for the fruits and makes her way towards the butcher. Hopefully, there's still some chicken left, she thinks. It's Tsunade's favourite food.

“Huh. And there's... nothing going on?” Sakura pauses and tilts her head, doesn't quite catch on to whatever is going on in the pervert's brain.

“Jiraiya wishes to know whether you and Tsunade are engaged in a sexual relationship.” Sakura does not shriek when Orochimaru suddenly appears behind her. Not at all.

“Thank you, Oro. Real helpful,” Jiraiya snorts, holding the bag Sakura dropped in surprise.

“First of all, that's none of your business and second, no. We're friends. Tsunade can't cook to save her life but she fixes stuff that breaks. It's a symbiotic relationship,” she explains loftily before reclaiming her bag from the white-haired man. For a second Sakura can't help but marvel at the realisation that she's casually bantering with Jiraiya and Orochimaru of the sannin as if they were her teammates. Amusement abruptly turns to mild misery upon being reminded of the lengthy amount of time she's already been stuck here. After nine months she grew reasonably close to the trio yet no closer to returning home.

“So she's doing okay, yeah?” Sakura stuffs the bundle the butcher hands her into her bag and counts coins while thinking of how to answer. 'Doing okay' is a bit of an overstatement.

“She's... functioning.” Somehow, that sounds even worse.

“Look, I don't know what to tell you. She doesn't speak much but she takes care of herself. She trains a lot and keeps herself busy by dismantling, then repairing anything she can get her hands on. Blood is... dangerous. But...” Sakura trails off as she stares at the ground, biting her lip. The markets are busy but Jiraiya and Orochimaru build an invisible dome around her that keeps her words private.

“I think she's getting there. I don't know what I'm doing but she seems okay when I just act like everything's normal.” Jiraiya and Orochimaru exchange a single look, one that carries entire messages Sakura's not privy to. Eventually, the former sighs once, then pats Sakura's shoulder.

“You're doing just fine. We're coming by for dinner tomorrow so make sure the lights work.” Sakura gives him the finger and with a snort, the man waves her goodbye. When she returns to the apartment, Tsunade sits on the floor, playing with parts of the kitchen lamp and Sakura feels a strong desire to search for Jiraiya and punch him in the shoulder.

“Do you think if I ask nicely they'll hand me a solo B-Rank?” She's busy chopping vegetables and Tsunade is sitting on the counter next to her. The blonde's promise to help got lost somewhere along the way but Sakura's not going to complain.

“Why?” She smiles to herself upon hearing Tsunade answer. She's getting more talkative and Sakura would never admit it to anyone but herself, but she missed the sound.

“I'm sick of sleeping on the couch. I was thinking of getting a futon and I need money for that.” The couch isn't that bad. Not for a few days. Or weeks. Four months into having surrendered her bed to Tsunade, Sakura is thoroughly sick of it.

“I can afford it. Or we could just share the bed. It's big enough.” Sakura takes great care to not freeze or still or show that the words affected her in any way. She trusts Tsunade. They're friends. But-  
“Only because I fuck women doesn't mean I'll molest you.” Shit. Sakura closes her eyes and curses herself, then continues the chopping motion.

“I didn't think you would.”

“Oh? Seems like it from where I'm sitting.” Good job idiot, she thinks to herself, extremely cautious of every single breath the woman next to her releases. Her temper has slowly been returning, showing itself in a few isolated cases of cussing or kicking objects that don't agree with her. Tsunade's temper is a thing of beauty. It announces itself in an increase in temperature in her immediate surroundings, a spark in her eyes, the deep and steady thrum of chakra turning into a vibrating buzz that sits just beneath her skin. The blonde truly comes to life when she's furious and Sakura has found herself cherishing the experience. Right now, the woman shows none of the signs and Sakura is almost... disappointed.

“I'm sorry. I'm an idiot,” she murmurs quietly.

“So do you want the money for your futon or not?” Tsunade asks and curiously enough, Sakura finds herself pondering the offer for a few moments before shaking her head.

“Nah. I trust you.” From the corner of her eye, Sakura can see the faintest hint of a flinch. It's the first time she managed to surprise the blonde and it makes her smile ever so slightly.

The first night is nerve-wracking. So is the second. After that, Sakura stops worrying and even finds herself enjoying the faint warmth and the steady hum of chakra so close to her. It's comforting and for the first time ever since she got stranded in the past, she doesn't feel lonely anymore.

“Ouch!” Sakura hisses and shakes her hand, then sucks on the open wound. For a ninja she's incredibly clumsy.

“What was that?” Tsunade asks from the bedroom and Sakura's eyes go wide. As quickly as possible she pulls her finger from her mouth and wraps her other hand around it. The cut is sealed within a second but when Tsunade shuffles into the kitchen, red still stains the sink.

“Shit, I'm sorry. Don't look, I'll just clean it up real quick-” Sakura stops dead when Tsunade reaches for her hand. She's shaking and Sakura opens her mouth to try and reassure her when the blonde takes a single deep breath, then inspects her finger. She gets some of the blood on her own hand and though her skin pales, Tsunade keeps going and after having convinced herself that Sakura is fine, moves to the sink. Her eyes flitter across the scratched metal basin and avoid the stain yet she still grabs a towel and begins to clean.

Sakura doesn't dare move, is reluctant to even breathe properly. When the blood is gone and Tsunade stands still in front of the counter, shoulders tight, Sakura slowly approaches her.

“Are you okay?” she murmurs and places her palm on the blonde's upper arm.

“Yeah.” She doesn't say more than that, not even when Sakura slings an arm around Tsunade's shoulder and pulls her closer.

The next day, Tsunade sets foot into the hospital for the first time in over four months.

One night, when Sakura is just on the verge of falling asleep, a hand curls itself around hers and in the darkness, Tsunade whispers:  
“Thank you.”

When Tsunade recovers, she does it suddenly and without warning. One day, she's still a little subdued and more on the quiet side. The next, she's out partying in Konoha's largest sake bar. Sakura nearly drives herself crazy with worry and when the blonde comes back drunk off her ass and entirely incoherent, she's both relieved and not. It's been a long while since she last thought about the Tsunade she has known before she met this one but, faced with the almost comatose state of her roommate, Sakura can't help but remember the years she will spend in exile as little more than a wandering alcoholic.

Attempting to talk to her about taking it easy does not go well. In fact, it goes so terribly that Tsunade disappears for an entire week in which she, according to Jiraiya, wanders from one bed to the next. Sakura's not bothered by that. Why would she. They're both nineteen years old, more than old enough to do whatever they want.

When one of the bathroom lights breaks, Sakura immediately throws it out and buys a new one. They don't talk for days after Tsunade's return and the new light bulb goes unmentioned.

Every night, Tsunade is drunk or already passed out. The indifference with which she treats Sakura drags memories to the surface that cut so deep, she takes extra shifts at the hospital and rarely sleeps in her own apartment anymore.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Liar.”

“...thank you, Jiraiya.”

The only reason Sakura returns to her apartment is the fact that she's seen Tsunade enter a bar on her way home from her shift. The blonde is guaranteed to pick up a stranger and spend the night in their bed so at least she'll have a comfortable few hours to herself without nurses or other doctors shuffling around the staff accommodations. It's a small comfort but a comfort nonetheless and at this point, Sakura is happy to take what she can get.

She just changed into her sleeping attire and is about to creep beneath the covers, when a faint click announces the unexpected arrival of her wayward roommate. Too tired to have the energy to curse, Sakura merely sighs, then turns her back to the door and pretends to be asleep. She can hear Tsunade's unsteady steps and hushed mutters both of which give away her lack of sobriety easily enough. At least Sakura won't have to fake very hard. The blonde's unlikely to notice either way.

Soon enough, Tsunade stumbles into the bedroom. Clothes rustle before a body falls onto the right side of the bed. Drunk Tsunade tends to fall asleep very quickly and Sakura is counting her blessings when suddenly and with no warning, a warm body is pressed against hers. Sakura can forgive the blonde mistaking her for a plushy. What she can not so easily forgive are large bare breasts rubbing against her back and clumsy hands roaming her waist.

“Stop.” She speaks the words before she can even think. The chilly command cuts through the silence. Harsh and clipped, it does the trick and Tsunade stills immediately.

“Sak'ra?” she slurs the name and Sakura forces her body to still and ignore the compromising position she is in.

“Yes.” At last, the hands retreat, soon followed by the blonde's impressive chest and once they're gone, Sakura can breathe so much easier.

“S'rry... tho't you w're som'n else.” Sakura doesn't reply, too busy trying to calm her racing heartbeat. She's just glad she was still awake. If she'd been asleep... God knows what kind of mess she'd have woken up to. At least now she can rest easy.

“...kura.”

“Sakura.”

“Sakura.” With an audible pop, her eyes snap open. Regret comes fast and with the force of a thousand earthquakes.

“What the hell, Tsunade!” she hisses and closes her eyes as if the action could get rid of the very naked woman currently lying on top of her. It's still dark outside so Sakura hasn't seen more than the blonde's silhouette though now that she slowly wakes up, Sakura is very aware of the weight on top of her body as well as the breasts that are squished against her covers.

“Have sex with me.” Sakura's brain shortcircuits. Caught between outrage and incredulity, her mind defaults to silence instead.

“Get out.” She means it, too. Unsure about Tsunade's current alcohol levels, Sakura is reluctant to use force to get rid of her. She's beyond mad at the woman but wouldn't risk hurting her.

“We're friends and no one has to know-” Screw not hurting her. Sakura snarls and pushes the blonde off her.

“If we were friends you wouldn't treat me like a damn whore,” she hisses, then gathers her blanket and pillow before leaving the bedroom and stomping towards the couch. She tries to stop her thoughts because Sakura is furious and when she's furious, her mind goes dark and deep places she truly can't deal with right now. She can worry about throwing Tsunade out of her apartment and reclaiming the space for herself in the morning.

“...everyone wants me. Why won't you want me?” Turning her head towards the voice is a mistake. With a painful crack, Sakura returns to staring at the ceiling as if that would rid her of the mental image of Tsunade in all her nude glory standing in the doorway to the bedroom. Refusing to indulge her, Sakura presses her lips together.

“Is it because I'm a woman? If I were a man, would you-”

“Shut up and go to bed. You're drunk off your ass and I'm tired of it.” The guilt nearly threatens to strangle her so Sakura has to positively force the words to make them go past her lips. She knows from experience that drunk Tsunade cannot be reasoned with. She can – and will – apologise in the morning. Right now, apologising is the last thing on her mind.

“I'm not drunk.” Sakura rolls her eyes and is about to make another biting comment when her vision is obscured by fine strands of blonde hair, milky skin and so much warmth she's moments away from bursting into flames. Shock renders her still and unable to move while something else she can't name makes her eyes fall shut as soft lips are pressed against her own. They feel like velvet and through the sharp smell of sake, Sakura's nose catches a whiff of vanilla and mint that she can't get enough of-

“Shit!” Tsunade curses viciously upon being pushed backwards and off the couch. Sakura's breath turns laboured and for a second she's frozen. Then, she wipes the back of her hand across her mouth and remembers her rage.

“I've had enough. When I wake up tomorrow morning you'd better have taken your stuff and removed yourself from my apartment. I'm done with your stupid, dumb, DRUNK messes and if you even dare to-” She doesn't get much further than that. Not when Tsunade is right back in her personal space, hands clasped around Sakura's forearms, and lips once more right on top of hers. She's not passive this time. Sakura struggles as the blonde kisses her, not at all loving or tender but needy and violent.

Her absolute refusal to even consider endangering her friend is what turns Sakura helpless. Without her chakra enhanced strength, she is no match for the blonde whose physical condition is impeccable. Tsunade moves Sakura's wrists above her head as she presses her flush to the ground, mouth devouring hers. With each struggle, her body moves against the blonde's and in the split second that Sakura spreads her legs to attempt and roll the blonde on her back, Tsunade takes the opportunity to rub her knee against the inside of her thigh.

A single wanton moan rips through her throat, right into Tsunade's mouth and Sakura's body goes slack. Her face feels hot and cold at the same time as she becomes intimately aware of the throb between her legs and the way her nipples strain against the rough cloth of her night shirt. Shame and embarrassment overcome her senses and fuel Sakura's struggle once more.

She isn't the only one caught off-guard by the unexpected reaction. Tsunade is disgustingly easy to get rid of.

“You... you-” Sakura begins, gasping and searching for words, when she is interrupted by the blonde who sits on the floor, face wide and open with surprise, wide eyes drilling themselves into hers.

“You _do_ want me,” she breathes almost reverently and once she makes a move to get back on her feet, Sakura backs away hastily. Her foot gets caught on the edge of the blanket and she falls on her backside with a yelp. She scrambles away from her until she realises that Tsunade is too mesmerised to even attempt to take advantage of her – again.

“Being so close to you was driving me insane but I did my best to ignore it because you said you're not interested but all this time-” Recognising an impending catastrophe for what it is, Sakura quickly puts her hand up to silence the blonde before she loses all control of the conversation.

“No. Stop. You... you're drunk. You got handsy. You fucked up. It's okay. It happens. We- shit. We're going to have a serious talk tomorrow about your alcohol problem and then you're going to move out and seriously consider the boundaries of our friendship.” Sakura does her best to pull herself together no matter how distracting nude, clearly aroused Tsunade is. She's tired and had a few rough weeks. She's also nineteen, still hormonal, and very much a virgin so some confusion is to be expected. She's fine. This is natural and she's _absolutely not attracted to the woman that's going to hate her in the very near future_.

“Sakura-”

“No.” She stands her ground, refuses to give an inch. If she does, she's going to make a mistake she will regret for the rest of her life.

“Sa-”

“No!”

“ _I'm not drunk!_ ” Sakura swallows audibly, then risks a single glance at the nude female.

“Flushed, out of breath, dilated pupils, erratic behaviour-”

“Horny. Not drunk.” Sakura sends a prayer towards the sky, asking for patience and resilience.

“Shit. Sakura. I'm... I'm sorry. I know I'm a mess, okay? But...” Tsunade takes a deep breath and slumps forward. Sakura forcefully drags her eyes away from her.

“Maybe I should move out. Better than waiting for something that's never going to happen.” Now that catches Sakura's attention. Before she can control herself, she starts to talk:

“What's that supposed to mean. You agreed to be friends and until tonight you never-” Tsunade snorts and crosses her arms in front of her chest.

“Got tired of waiting. Needed the alcohol so I could lose just enough respect to shove the truth right in your face.” Sakura deflates as all air leaves her lungs and she drops onto the couch.

“Maybe not the best plan-”

“That's a plan you came up with? Trying to arouse me via assault?!” Sakura screeches before reaching for a pillow and throwing it at the blonde who tilts her head to the side just enough to avoid being hit.

“You sounded like it worked.” Sakura, mid-motion of throwing another object, freezes. Tsunade has a poi- No. Shaking her head as if that is going to help, Sakura bites the inside of her cheek before replying.

“No. I'm not- You're not- I-” Damnit, brain!

“Just stop lying to yourself for a second. We've practically lived like a couple for months. Everyone _out there_ thinks we're in a relationship! Why else do you think I stopped sleeping around? Because I suddenly decided to become celibate? Not fucking likely!” Wait. What?

“I've seen you with a woman just days ago! What are you even talking about?!” A quiet voice attempts to remind her that she urgently needs to sort out her priorities but everything else is too loud and Sakura doesn't listen to it.

“We were just making out. I'm not a nun and living in close quarters with you is stressful,” the blonde almost pouts and Sakura desperately wants to bang her head against the wall. Taking a deep breath and telling herself that at least one of them has to keep a clear head because Tsunade is obviously out of her mind, Sakura raises her hands and looks at her friend.

“I- I can't. I'm sorry.” It's the best she can do without going into too much detail. She hopes she sounds as tired as she feels, exhausted enough that Tsunade is willing to accept it and move on.

“Why. Why can't you!” the blonde demands instead. Sakura opens her mouth, then closes it before burying her head in her hands. She's terrified of admitting this to herself, but Tsunade is right. They crossed from roommate to partner territory ages ago except Sakura never truly realised it. Suddenly the extra chicken breast the butcher tends to add to her order free of charge or the odd bottle of sake that finds its way into her grocery bag courtesy of the nice fruit stand lady make a terrifying amount of sense.

And the worst part is that, were she to truly consider the idea, Sakura wouldn't even mind. Tsunade is... a disaster most of the time but when she's not she's blunt, as sharp as a whip, fun to be around, and god, her _smile_... She digs her fingers into her temples in an effort to keep the last remaining shreds of her sanity. Sakura can't allow herself to entertain thoughts of what-if's and could have been's. This woman is not her enemy but she's not her friend either and Sakura has to remember that at all cost.

“...I can't tell you.” It's weak, so disgustingly weak but it's all she can give her. It has to be enough.

“Because you have some fucking knowledge of the fucking future?” Gone is whatever spell Tsunade has been caught under and in her budding rage, she's so lucid and so much like herself that Sakura can't tear her eyes off her.

“Yes, Tsunade! Because I know things you don't, things that mean I can't do this-” She tries to argue. Anything to make sure this doesn't happen and she doesn't ruin her own future.

“Give me one reason, one good fucking reason and I'll leave you alone.” Sakura stares at her and doesn't know what to say.

“I-” Tsunade growls and comes closer, hands balled into fists.

“ _One_!”

“YOU HATE ME!” Sakura gasps in shock, then clamps her hands over her mouth. She didn't mean to say that, anything but that. Except it works. Tsunade stops in her tracks, hot orange anger fizzling out into nothingness.

“...what?” Sakura bites her teeth, then throws all caution in the wind.

“You absolutely _hate_ me. Always did! You're the teacher, the one that never liked me, the one that hated me from the day we first met because one day I will fuck up so bad, you will hold that grudge for over _forty years_!” she spits and curses in the blonde's face, so inexplicably furious with the world and herself. Why the hell is she here, why did this have to happen to her, hasn't she dealt with _enough_?!

“...but...”

“No buts! I... I shouldn't have even become friends with you. I should have stayed away to make sure whatever is going to happen doesn't so we can both have a better future but I screwed it up because I'm fucking stupid!” A single tear strolls down her cheek, soon joined by another. Sakura is tired. So tired of this whole situation, tired of her own inability to make good decisions, tired of knowing that she is responsible for her own misery. There had been no need to stick close to the sannin. No need to become friends with any of them. She should have kept to herself but instead of doing the smart thing, Sakura failed herself when it mattered the most.

“You're not.”

“Yes, I _am_ -” Hands close themselves around her wrists and gently pry them away from her face. Through watery eyes, Sakura finds herself staring at the sheer gentleness and compassion that is meant for her and her alone, and can barely stand the sight.

“No,” Tsunade insists as she joins Sakura on the couch, hands still resting on top of hers.

“Whatever you will do is going to happen no matter what. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here. If she... I... didn't hate you, then yeah it wouldn't have happened but where you're from, I do. So no matter what _you_ do... it's inevitable.”

“That's how time stuff works, right? If you could change it, it already would've changed and you wouldn't be here. So you might as well just say 'fuck it'. And do whatever the hell you want.” Vulnerability flitters across the blonde's face for a split second just before she averts her gaze.

“That includes me.”

“...you?” Sakura asks, confused and unsure. Her head is a mess and truly, all she wants is to fall asleep and just never wake up again.

“Yes. Me. Do me.” Wha- Oh. _Oh_. That, combines with Tsunade's state of undress that Sakura just now becomes aware of again, causes her to flush in a brilliant scarlet.

“How can you say that? Now that you know that-”

“That what. We're like forty years apart? I'm your teacher that hates you because you screw me over at some point?” Tsunade says so casually Sakura can't help but wonder if she somehow completely missed the point.

“Any of that, really...” she murmurs and shifts to the side so the blonde's chest is no longer dominating Sakura's field of view.

“Well. Right now, we're the same age. You taught me more than I ever taught you. And you've been my pillar after... you haven't screwed me over yet. And I've wanted to fuck you ever since I first saw you.” Her face is on fire. Sakura's quite certain of that. Not that it distracts her from the sudden warmth pooling in the lower pits of her stomach.

“According to Jiraiya that's a common theme with you...” she attempts to distract herself, only to fail miserably. Tsunade is too close, too goddamn attractive and when did Sakura start thinking about her like that anyway?

“Not like that. I- Fuck. I like you, okay?” Eh?

“W- what?”

“You're pretty, smart, not a pushover, can deal with my two idiots, you cook really well... look I'm not a talker. I just... genuinely like you.” Now that it's Tsunade's turn to blush and be embarrassed, Sakura finds all her objections evaporate into nothingness because fuck it all, Sakura likes her _back_ and has done so for god knows how long.

“...what if this is what ruins it, eventually?” It has to be. There's no other way. Nothing can mark a person for the rest of their life quite like heartbreak does.

“Didn't you listen to me? You can't change the past because your future is already set in stone. And...” Tsunade catches herself for a moment, then shows a kind of tenderness Sakura has never seen on her before. It suits her and that alone frightens her beyond words.

“You've been stranded for almost a year. Who knows how long you'll still be here. Do you really want to be on your own all that time?”

“I...” Does she? Does she, really?

“...no,” Sakura whispers so quietly she can barely hear herself. It's already too late, has been for too long to still be able to turn back. She's gotten so used to the blonde, so attached that the thought of losing her cuts deeper than she can bear.

“Me neither.” This time, when Tsunade creeps closer and gently grasps Sakura's chin, she doesn't stop her. Their first real kiss is sweet and feels like a pressure that sat on her chest for months finally gives way to the utter warmth and affection she receives from the woman – and gives back in return.

Soon after, they fall asleep in a tangle of limbs and Sakura dreams of her rage, fury, and countless whispers of ' _I hate you_ '.

The next morning is confusing. Waking up with a naked Tsunade wrapped around her body sends Sakura into a fit that wakes up the blonde who's not a morning person and really, it all sort of goes downhill from there.

“Fuck's sake, calm down. Nothing happened,” Tsunade grumbles with a yawn and rubs her face, entirely unaware what the sight of her messy hair and very nude body does to Sakura.

“Well. You're my girlfriend now. Other than that, nothing happened.” Um. What?

“What?” Her head hurts like hell and damn it all, it's too early for whatever it is that's going on right now.

“You told me all about how future me hates your face and we decided that it doesn't matter. Can we sleep some more?” Sakura doesn't get an opportunity to answer and finds herself with an armful of naked sannin all over again. Piece by piece, the memories return and along with them, so do Sakura's worries and regrets.

“Stop angsting about it. It's a nice morning and you're ruining it,” Tsunade mumbles against her neck and wraps her arms tighter around her waist. Sakura's breath grows erratic, accompanied by a vibrant flush spreading from her cheeks to the rest of her body.

“Um, I need... I need a moment to...” She doesn't know what she needs a moment for, only that Tsunade is too close and too tempting and she can't deal with it. A single honey eye opens lazily, takes in the way Sakura stares at the ceiling, the scarlet coloring of her cheeks and neck, the complete stiffness of her body and glints in amusement.

“I like the way you think,” she purrs and Sakura squeaks when her fingers dig into the flesh of her waist and the blonde's tongue starts exploring the sensitive skin of her throat.

“No. Nonononono-” She does her best to push Tsunade off her, except the blonde merely chuckles and straddles her hips in a way that makes the bounce and jiggle of her ridiculously ample chest impossible to ignore.

“No?” she asks, teasingly, and moves her hands upwards towards Sakura's breasts, revealing inch after inch of skin. Sakura is frozen, unable to speak or even think. Unable to deny her anything.

“If you really want me to I'll stop... but I don't think you do.” She's right. Sakura doesn't try to protest again.

Tsunade is loving the first time, gentle and careful after Sakura tells her that she's her first. She kisses her breasts, licks her skin, rubs her between her legs and enters her slowly when she's already so wet she barely feels any pain.

She turns Sakura into a hot sweaty mess, draws one moan after another from the depths of her throat, bites her lips and reduces her to little more than a needy, desperate soul longing for more. When Sakura is spent and falling apart at the seams, she guides her between her legs and teaches her where and how to use her tongue and the sounds she makes are music to Sakura's ears. They cherish each other all day and after the third time when Sakura feels comfortable enough, Tsunade shows her how she loves best.

Rough, wild, and a little unhinged, she drags her nails over her skin, bites her neck hard enough to draw blood, pinches her nipples and nibbles at her clit while two fingers unravel Sakura from the inside until she begs for release.

When she falls asleep that night, sweaty, slick between her legs and other places, Tsunade's taste on her lips and face buried in her silky blonde strands, Sakura has a moment of clarity and realises that now there is no way back. She has chosen her path and while she knows, deep down, it is the wrong one she can no longer bring herself to regret the decision.

“Fucking finally!” Jiraiya yells when the two of them enter the training grounds where Jiraiya and Orochimaru are already waiting.

“How do you know, huh, pervert?” Tsunade demands while Sakura is too busy flushing so hard she looks like she's suffering from third-degree burns.

“I know a satisfied lady when I see one! And your girlfriend over there is looking mighty-” He doesn't get to finish because Tsunade is already upon him, doing her best to turn his face into a crater.

“Treat her well,” Orochimaru comments once, then never brings it up again. Sakura feels the stirrings of guilt but forces them down. She spent enough time worrying over the future. Instead of brooding, she settles down next to him and watches Tsunade chase Jiraiya around the woods, listens to their bickering and the blonde's threats of imminent death and smiles.

“I know you hate when I drink,” Tsunade begins as they're both in the bathroom, fixing each other's hair. It's their first official date which for some reason includes Jiraiya and Orochimaru, both of which are already at the restaurant they agreed to meet at. The women are late and Sakura refuses to take responsibility for that. Tsunade never cared about punctuality and that hasn't changed.

“Just when it's too much,” Sakura comments while applying a faint rosy hint to the centre of her lips.

“We'll just have to do it together then. So you can keep an eye on me.” Sakura blushes and smiles at the blonde before smoothing down her ponytail. Her hair has grown way past her shoulders now, is close to reaching her waist. Tsunade likes long hair.

“Come on. They've waited long enough,” she decides and drags her away from the mirror, ignoring her protests.

“Tyrant.” Tsunade sticks out her tongue, then laughs and flees the apartment when Sakura's eyes darken with the promise of violence. The date is a success despite Jiraiya's lecherous comments which carry no real weight behind them and Orochimaru's tendencies to terrorise the waiting staff for his own amusement.

In the end, nothing truly changes which makes it all the more obvious to Sakura just how comfortable she has gotten around Tsunade. The only true novelty is the nigh constant sex they have multiple times a day. Tsunade is insatiable and Sakura soon learns to match her hunger. They alternate between gentle, rough, clumsy and violent and it's... perfect. Simply perfect.

“It's my birthday. And I want to party.” Nine words that spell trouble but Tsunade just turned twenty years old and who is Sakura to rain on her parade?

In a ridiculous turn of events, Sakura drinks and dances more than the blonde who can't stop laughing at the younger one's incredible hypocrisy. They grind against each other on the dancefloor and down shots until they barely manage to find their way back to the apartment. Sakura presents Tsunade her gift in the morning, a single diamond stud that matches the one Sakura already wears in her left ear lobe.

Partying turns into a weekly occurrence. Random strangers in their bed is a rare treat they enjoy occasionally when both are in the mood. Weeks pass, then months, then an entire year. On their first anniversary, Tsunade drags Sakura to Jiraiya's apartment and the sight of ink, needles and enough alcohol to send an entire army to sleep is one she can safely say, comes unexpectedly.

“Your bird inspired me,” Tsunade admits as she makes Sakura sit down and grabs her hand.

“Does your family have a symbol?” she asks just when Sakura hisses in pain at the first stab of Jiraiya's needle.

“We're a civilian clan. It's a simple circle,” she explains and bites her lip as the white-haired male painstakingly etches the Senju clan symbol onto the back of Sakura's right hand.

“Good enough for me,” Tsunade decides and extends her own hand once Jiraiya is done with Sakura's. She stares at the mark on her hand, the dark black lines of Konoha's most noble founding clan, then swallows the lump in her throat. This means something, more than she dares to admit, yet what truly takes all air from her lungs, is the image of Tsunade's perfect skin marred with the Haruno circle.

A mark, she knows, the woman will eventually get rid of or cover up. Sakura tries very hard not to think about that.

“You know I'm rich, right?” Tsunade asks one evening when they lounge in the grass close to the Hokage monument, staring at the stars high above them.

“And humble too,” Sakura quips and laughs when the blonde stabs her finger into her bare waist.

“I'm just saying. We could get a nicer place. Or a house. I really want a pet.” Sakura hums, then rolls on her side.

“What kind of pet?”

“Don't know. Maybe a pig? Pigs are cool.” A cold shower runs down her back and her momentary stillness must have been obvious to Tsunade who looks at her, then returns to staring at the stars.

“I'm going to have one eventually, huh.”

“Yeah,” Sakura whispers and curls into the woman, entangles their legs and buries her face in the crook of her neck.

“So weird to think about that. I can't imagine ever hating you.” Sakura can. And it's killing her on the inside.

“I love you.” Her breath catches in her throat and her head snaps upwards. There's no emotion on Tsunade's face, no hint that she just spoke the words that still ring in Sakura's ears.

“I-” she begins, then falls silent and stares at the ground.

“I love you too.”

This time, when Tsunade loses a loved one, Sakura knows her well enough to take care of her. There are no drunken escapades, no arguments, nothing. She slowly pulls her back to her feet and soon after agrees to move into the Senju compound. She's always been the clan heiress but now that her uncle holds the title, she's next in line for clan leadership.

The additional responsibility that comes with the fate looming above her head, does little to change Tsunade. Only once, does the Nidaime take Sakura aside to study her thoroughly without speaking a single word.

“Be careful,” is all he offers but it is enough. The words stick.

Sakura graduated close to the top of her class and has always been an excellent student. She knows that war and Tsunade's ascension to legend is little more than two years away. With every day that passes she wonders more and more when the other shoe is going to drop, when everything will go sideways, when she will be sent back. Back. Not home. Sakura knows where home is and it's with the blonde she will eventually lose, one way or another.

She is twenty-two when her future begins to haunt her. It's an accident. She's careless and runs into a man with enough speed to knock him off his feet. She apologises and helps him back up, then somehow ends up treating him to a cup of tea as apology.

“Dan,” he introduces himself.

“Kato Dan.” A white flash appears in front of her vision and for a split second, his soft features, large eyes and straight nose rearrange themselves as his hair turns black until in his place, Sakura sees Shizune instead.

“I just moved here with my family. My sister is pregnant with her first child and we prefer the security of the village.” _Shizune_. Sakura pales and sways on her feet. Only his quick intervention prevents her fall.

“OI! Get your hands off my girlfriend!” She doesn't protest when Tsunade more or less tears her from his arms and helps her back to the compound.

“Did that creep do anything?” she asks and Sakura merely shakes her head.

“No. I was just... he seemed nice, you know? I think he'd make a good friend.” She has no idea if this is true but in the far future, Tsunade will take Shizune with her and that cannot happen when she considers her uncle an enemy.

“You know something I don't, huh,” the blonde grumbles, then waves away Sakura's protest.

“Whatever. As long as he doesn't get handsy again I'll give him a chance.”

Tsunade and Dan end up getting along despite the latter's lack of interest in alcohol, gambling or parties. At some point he joins their group of four, now five. He confesses that his sister offered him the privilege of naming her daughter and when Sakura suggests Shizune, he immediately loves the name. Sakura feels like she's playing god and it makes her sick enough to decline to visit the baby for an entire month until Tsunade's tired of her antics and forces her to go see the child. It's love at first sight.

“Babies are weird,” Tsunade sniffs once they're alone with the newborn as her mother takes a well-deserved break.

“You will come to love her like a mother, in time.” It's rare for Sakura to share specifics but just this once she can't help herself. Shizune is beyond precious to her and while they never talked much about her background or history that led to her following Tsunade around the world, Sakura would do anything to make sure she gets to have that once more.

“Will I? Hm. Looks like a raisin.”

“Tsunade!”

“What? It's true!”

It takes him five years until one day Sakura opens the door to a grim-faced Nidaime and knows her time has come.

“No.”

“Tsuna-” Sakura attempts to reach for her only to freeze when Tsunade backs away as if she were poisonous.

“No. You're not going.” She stands tall and firm, mouth pressed into a thin line. Sakura stares at her and feels the pressure build in her throat.

“I have to!” she insists, voice scratchy and rubs her eyes in an effort to keep the tears at bay.

“You don't have to do fuck all! What's waiting for you there anyway? Nothing!”

“My... my family, my friends, I need to-” She lies her little heart out, knows she hasn't missed them in a long time, fuck she doesn't want to go, doesn't want to leave-

“I AM YOUR FAMILY!” She roars and Sakura flinches heavily at the rage in her voice.

“Jiraiya, Orochimaru, Dan, we are your friends! It's been _five years_ , Sakura! This is your home! With us! With _me_!” Tears stream down Sakura's face as she takes in the hurt, betrayal and sheer fury that is Tsunade. Finally, she understands. Knows exactly where and how she went wrong. Knows that the final question has been answered, knows why Tsunade will grow older and bitter and learn to hate her.

“I... I can't,” she sobs and the way the blonde stares at her like she's the most disgusting thing she's ever laid eyes on burns itself into her memory. It's an image Sakura will never forget and it's everything she deserves. Tsunade leaves then, and when she turns around one last time, utters five little words that shatter Sakura into countless tiny shards of glass.

“I will never forgive you.”

She doesn't get to say goodbye to Orochimaru who disappeared on another one of his secret excursions that Sakura know, are the beginnings of the terrible monster he will one day become. She talks to Jiraiya one last time in between his busy jounin sensei schedule and religiously avoids even so much as looking in the direction of Naruto's father. Dan, who was never told the truth, is left a letter with a plea to look out for Tsunade. Shizune, she leaves a tiny little necklace that she spotted when browsing the markets weeks ago. A necklace she knows, the older woman will never take off.

And Tsunade... is gone. Nowhere to be found. Sakura refuses to cry yet marches to the Hokage's office like a woman walking towards her own execution.

In the blink of an eye, she loses the life she built for herself. In the blink of an eye, she is in a different office, surrounded by a different crowd, and once more, after five years, faced with the woman she loves who in turn, hates her so.

“Saku-chan! You're back!” It's Naruto and he flings himself at her hard enough to knock her into Sasuke who immediately begins to berate the blonde.

“Ugh, it's been foreeeeever! Are you okay? Baa-chan said you had a time something accident and it's been three weeks and I was so worried!” Sakura's not sure what her brain gets stuck on. The disorientation at the entire situation, the mention of _her_ that she doesn't dare look at, or-

“Three... weeks?” She stares at him and finally notices that he hasn't changed, is still exactly the same as the Naruto in her memory. So is Sasuke. So are Kakashi-sensei and Shizune. Pink hair falls in front of her face, strands that reach all the way to her hips and her mouth runs dry.

“Yeah! Basically an eternity. Are you okay? Hey, your hair's all different!” She can't stand him, can't take it, not now, and pushes him off her and walks a few steps backwards until she stands in the middle of the room.

“It's been five years for me.” Dead silence follows her words and Sakura is intimately aware of the way they scrutinise her, take in her matured features, her subtle increase in height, the muscle definition in her arms. All the signs that show the passage of time, prove to them that what she said is true. She twists her hand to hide the Senju mark from sight, a motion that is caught by only one set of eyes in the room.

“Fi- what? No way,” Naruto breathes and reaches out for her. Instinct drives Sakura to slap his hand away. Hurt races across his face but he withdraws, solemn and quiet now that he understands what five years truly means.

“A report isn't necessary. You get three days of rest, then Shizune expects you back at the hospital.” Sakura flinches violently when she hears her voice, reacts as if slapped. Her hands shake and she takes a shuddering breath before turning towards her. She, who refuses to even look at her.

“Tsuna-”

“Dismissed.” Sakura's head rears backwards as she stares at her, eyes wide, mouth agape. She-

“I said: Dismissed.” The bite in her voice is familiar and it ignites a similar spark in Sakura who welcomes the sudden anger with open arms, invites it to drown her. Anything to keep the hurt away, to avoid having her heart torn from her chest.

“Is that it?” she demands, hands clenched to fists, muscles tensed.

“Get out of my office,” Tsunade hisses yet still refuses to even look at her. Sakura growls and stalks closer, chakra brimming in her fingertips.

“Fucking make me,” she snarls and finally, _finally_ , she turns her head. Wrath turned her honey eyes a dark brown and she is all anger, fury, rage, so bright and alive that Sakura feels herself burst into flames.

“You forget yourself,” the blonde growls and Sakura can feel the energy building in her body, is so familiar with the tune and feel fo her chakra that she knows they're moments away from reducing the building to rubble and dust.

“Oh yeah? I think one of us is forgetting herself and it's not me.” She baits her because it's the only thing she can do and Sakura is desperate, so desperate for even a tiny hint of the woman she's so terribly in love with and an enraged Tsunade is the truest form of her there is.

“Get out of my sight!” Sakura leans closer and knows the blonde is on the verge of exploding and this is what Sakura chases, her only hope to reclaim their shared past, her last resort.

“Coward.” She intercepts the fist just before it can meet her face and curls her fingers around Tsunade's hand, applying just enough pressure to make it hurt.

“I know the truth and now that we're in a position to fix it, you're just going to pretend the last five years never happened?”

“ _Thirty-three!_ ” As if stung, Sakura immediately lets go of her hand. She stares at it, at the exact spot where the circle is supposed to be.

“It's been thirty. three. years,” Tsunade repeats with all the vitriol that hits Sakura where it hurts most.

“You still made it happen. You still sent me-” This time, Sakura is too late to dodge the fist that crashes into her shoulder and breaks every single bone it touches. She is flung back into the door that's torn off the hinges. Dust and shrapnels surround her as she coughs and staggers to her feet.

“Don't confuse my actions with sentimentality. They were necessary. If it were up to me,” Tsunade sneers as she stares her down, impervious to the shock and anger directed at her from their audience.

“I would've ensured we never met in the first place.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Kakashi asks when he finds her on the edge of a pond an hour after Sakura practically fled the Hokage tower but he is not her friend, fuck he is not Jiraiya, and Sakura hates him for that reason alone.

“There's nothing to talk about.” She shrugs him off, abandons him and returns to the village. She walks the wrong way first, her feet take her to where she lived for years before moving into the now non-existent Senju compound. She stops and stares at the apartment complex, then takes a look around. The shops are different, the markets are changed, nothing is the same and yet it is.

She wants nothing more than to stomp her feet and turn it all to dust.

They try. They're her friends, Sakura knows this, but while they lived without her for three weeks, she was gone for five whole years. Five years in which she became friends with three dead men, a child that's now a woman who can't remember her and Tsunade who is back to pretending Sakura doesn't exist. She doesn't work at the hospital anymore, told Shizune she quits a few days after her return. She asks questions. So do the others.

'What was it like', 'Did you meet the founders', 'What have you been up to for five years', 'What was that argument with baa-chan about'-

She avoids Naruto. Sasuke, who is still technically her boyfriend, too. Ino, who can read her like only one other person ever could, as well. Soon, Sakura flees the scene whenever she so much as sees a flash of color that belongs to either of her friends. Sai is the only exception because Sai doesn't ask questions. Sai is content to simply let her be, allows her to take refuge in his apartment when Sakura's own is surveilled by Naruto.

“You got another one,” he says one day when Sakura forgets to put on the glove she wears on her right hand. They both stare at the Senju crest and Sakura doesn't doubt that he connects the dots quite easily.

“Your secret is safe with me,” he adds soon after then lets her make dinner. Sai remains the only one she stays close to. Everyone else is too young, too different, too... they all expect her to be someone she's not. Someone she hasn't been in years and they can't deal with a grown Sakura that drinks more than is healthy, sleeps her way through Konoha on a whim, wakes up when the sun is just about to set, then goes out to party until the first rays of light touch the rooftops.

That they're too young to follow her into those clubs is a minor blessing in a world that's gone to hell.

“Okay. I've had it. What the hell, forehead!” Her luck runs out, eventually. It always does, Sakura thinks morosely as she shrugs off Ino's hand on her shoulder and prepares to move when suddenly, she's stuck to the ground.

“This is a terrible idea, Ino,” Shikamaru points out from where he's busy keeping Sakura tethered to the ground. Red clouds her vision and she pours her chakra into her head, fighting the hold just long enough to turn her head towards Ino and the rest of their audience.

“Let me go,” she demands, takes in their defiant faces that still have remnants of baby fat clinging to them and _hates_.

“Not until you tell us exactly what is going on with you!” Naruto and Sasuke silently support Ino and Hinata is the only one who seems uncomfortable with what they're doing.

“I fucking grew up, that's what's going on with me. Are you done acting like idiot children now?” Naruto opens his mouth to protest but Sasuke beats him to it:

“So what, you just get drunk and fuck around? Very adult behaviour!”

“Don't talk about things you don't understand,” Sakura hisses and keeps gathering chakra, directing the flow towards her feet where the shadow's hold is the strongest.

“I want to understand! Just talk to me, please! We're friends,” Ino pleads with her and that's the final straw. With a violent expulsion of chakra, she breaks free and stomps on the shadow for good measure, sending a small spike of pain along the construct and right into Shikamaru's arms.

“My friends,” Sakura growls,

“are dead.” She thinks of Jiraiya, Orochimaru and Dan and misses them so fiercely it nearly rips her in half.

“Stop pretending I'm anything at all like the person I used to be when I left. And stop following me. If you try this shit again I'll show you exactly what I learned after five years of being in the company of the sannin.” She leaves them behind and makes the decision to sell her apartment. She doesn't need more than a few changes of clothing and bare essentials all of which are stored at Sai's place.

“I told them not to do it,” he offers when she returns after ripping four training grounds to absolute shreds.

“I know,” Sakura murmurs and disappears into the shower before lying down on her futon and falling into a restless sleep.

“Tell me,” Shizune says one day after joining Sakura on the Hokage monument. And because Shizune is the only tether she still has to a time when everything was perfect, Sakura does.

“My uncle told me I got this necklace from a friend of his. He said that one day she simply... disappeared.” Sakura watches as Shizune pulls at the silver chain around her neck to reveal a row of blue and red glass baubles.

“He wasn't wrong,” Sakura offers and while it hurts, it's just about bearable. Shizune is... different. Her true teacher, her friend who had always taken care of her and always will... no matter how screwed up their time line is.

“He also said that she came up with my name.” Shizune studies her until Sakura has to look away.

“Does it bother you?” The woman is quiet for a long moment, then sighs and shakes her head.

“No. Whatever you did... led us here. To peace and a quiet comfortable life. I cannot fault you for that.”

“She does,” Sakura breaths because she simply cannot help herself. It's entirely unexpected when Shizune draws Sakura into a hug. Still, she doesn't fight it.

“You know, I always thought my uncle's death drove her to abandon the village and running away from her problems. But now... I think that perhaps, it simply pushed her over an edge she'd been teetering on for years.”

“I ruined her,” Sakura whispers in the quiet of the night and if she could, she would start to weep.

“What are you going to do now?” Shizune asks and while Sakura doesn't reply, the answer rests just on the tip of her tongue and she knows the other woman hears it anyway.

“Last chance to change your mind.” She's not begging. Not at all. Silence is her only answer. She leaves her headband on the desk, turns around and walks out without looking back.

When the sun rises in Konoha, Sakura is long gone.


	2. Part II: Tsunade

Part II: Tsunade

Tsunade knows exactly where she went wrong. There's never been any doubt, not even a single question. Tsunade never asked herself 'how', 'when' or 'why'. She already knows all the answers. How? She fell in love. When? Possibly the moment she first laid eyes on her, definitely at some point during the aftermath of Nawaki's death. Why? Because she is, ultimately and above all, a fool.

She doesn't run when the girl is revealed to be a time traveler that will one day return to where she came from. She doesn't run when the girl is awfully cagey about the origin of her abilities that look an awful lot like the ones Tsunade's currently in the process of designing. She doesn't run when she learns the truth about her own future and relationship to the pink-haired woman because, at that point, she loves her so fucking much it hurts to breathe.

Tsunade who is young and spoiled, a princess in every sense of the word who never had anyone tell her no, who always gets what she wants, pursues this accident waiting to happen until she finally claws her sharp nails into virgin flesh that she devours whole and claims for herself. Never, not once during the process or the years to come, does she even consider the possibility of her luck eventually running out.

She was born a lucky girl. Her clan loves her, the village adores her, she's the brightest star in the night sky, the present, the future, the princess who is one day set to be crowned queen. She is everything.

She never thinks that one day, she will be nothing at all.

Those five years with Sakura feel like a constant high. It's almost ridiculous how easy she fits in with their team, how she carves a corner of her own without clashing with either of the three separate yet incredibly oversaturated personalities. Soon it's almost like she's been the fourth member of their team all along, a copy of Tsunade in terms of skill set yet an entirely different character that can keep up with Orochimaru's mood and snark, Jiraiya's loudness and perverted behaviour.

A character that sparks so bright and vibrant, Tsunade cannot help but be drawn closer and closer, lured into a golden cage like a bird. That there's more to her attraction than a desire for sex is obvious after three weeks. Orochimaru doesn't comment, Jiraiya merely looks at her strangely when Tsunade turns down a young willing thing that desires a quick roll in the sheets. When the woman gently but firmly turns her down and Tsunade offers to stay friends, the other two know immediately that Tsunade cannot, will not ever be content with being 'just friends'.

Her own patience surprises her until Nawaki dies and her entire life is thrown upside down. When Sakura takes her in, lets her be, silently supports her in the awkward and clumsy way she can, Tsunade looks at her and sees her own future. She improves but Sakura remains elusive. Drowning her frustration in alcohol does her little good and every day she wakes up, she's wet between her legs and fucks herself in the shower until she can think clearly again.

Her plan is stupid and doesn't even deserve to be called that; it's a half-baked idea conjured by a sexually frustrated mind that ends up paying off. Sakura is her drug and Tsunade cannot imagine herself ever being without her. It's dangerously easy to wave away the woman's concerns and never once worry about the grim future she tells her of. Not when she finally has her naked, willing, sweating, and entirely her own.

They're a perfect match from start to finish. Tsunade takes her virginity and Sakura is a quick student after that. They fuck long, hard, and often, and when Tsunade entertains the idea of adding an extra, Sakura goes along with it. They drink and party together, Sakura cooks, Tsunade fixes, life is fucking perfect.

Until it isn't.

Tsunade is no sensor but she knows every single signature that regularly spends time in the compound by heart. When Tobirama comes and goes after five minutes and Sakura wanders into the living room looking like a corpse, Tsunade knows exactly what happened. And what is, without a doubt, going to happen in the next few minutes. She holds a vain hope that Sakura will stay. Their life is flawless, after all. She has friends, a family, a future, Tsunade. Why would she ever leave?

She does. Tsunade's parting words turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy as they come full circle and the cycle continues. Life after that is more like death than anything else.

She knows Sakura isn't dead, that one day she will see her again but for all intents and purposes, she might as well be. After Nawaki and Hashirama, she is the third. Three months later, Tobirama is the fourth. Her parents follow soon after. War comes and her team turns into legends. She finally cracks the secret surrounding her grandmother's byakugou. Tsunade climbs higher and higher while moving nowhere at all.

“What?” She stares at Dan who smiles at her in that goofy way of his and watches him rub the back of his head like a nervous child.

“I asked if you wanted to go out with me. On a date.” All thoughts leave Tsunade's mind as she tries and fails to wrap her head around the sudden and odd request.

“I've always liked you and you haven't shown interest in anyone after-”

“Fine. Yes. I'll go out with you.” She doesn't mean it, not really, but it makes him _shut up_ and that's all she cares about. The date is nice. They've been friends for years so there's little awkwardness, Dan's sudden romantic interest aside. Tsunade, whose hunger for women has died a slow and quiet death takes him to bed and while the sex isn't amazing, it's just good enough to stop thinking for a while. She surrenders to him and hates it but when she demands he take her harder and harder until she _hurts_ , she decides that he is good enough. He makes her feel and it's better than being fucking dead inside.

Tsunade suspects that he's fully aware of how she's using him but simply too kind to point it out. She cherishes their friendship too much but deep down, burns with the desire to push and shove him until his patience runs out and she can taste his delicious rage. But Dan is calm. Gentle. Sweet. He makes her sick and she hates him so fucking much that post-sex panic attacks become a regular occurrence. It's too easy to hide them from him when she's a medical prodigy and can effortlessly convince his body that it needs rest to recover.

She loves him, she hates him, she stays by his side even though she wants to run so far away to a place where nobody can find her. Eventually, he gets uncomfortable with the violence and intensity she demands in the bedroom. Tsunade who cannot lose him, cannot lose anyone else, gives in, and allows him to be gentle with her. He offers to let her take the lead. She's not quite quick enough to stop the disgust from showing on her face. He never offers again.

“You need help.”

“Fuck off, Jiraiya,” she growls as her teeth tear apart a plastic wrapper. They're in the middle of a warzone in the middle of fucking nowhere and she's starving. Orochimaru is god knows where and she spent five hours taking care of the wounded and injured only for Jiraiya to suddenly discover his inner therapist.

“I'm serious. What the fuck are you doing to Dan? He looks like he's about to keel over from guilt any day now and you've been one hell of a shitshow since Sa-” She doesn't look at him and truth be told, her fist moves before she even realises it. Tsunade forgot to release her strength enhancement and Jiraiya has to be shipped back to Konoha. She doesn't feel guilty though she does a fine job at pretending when old man Sarutobi demands an explanation.

When he nails her with mandatory counseling a week later, she ruins part of her clan's compound to little more than rubble and dust. The clan elders threaten her with taking the clan head's position from her. She tears the golden Senju brooch off her jacket and throws it at them before gathering her belongings and carrying them all the way to Orochimaru's apartment.

“We're roommates now,” Tsunade tells him, dumps her things in his guest room, then goes out and gets drunk in a random bar. Dan isn't angry when she lets him know about the strangers she woke up with which is fortunate since she never even once thinks about apologising.

“Perhaps it's time to finally let go,” the Yamanaka waffles on and on and Tsunade can't be fucked to listen to him. She already did all the letting go. Not a single hint of _her_ remains in Tsunade's life and, following the true and tried principle of 'out of sight, out of mind', she doesn't mention her and neither do those around her. It works. It's a good system.

“You can't avoid facing your pain forever.” Not good enough for the mind freak, however, and after not showing up to the following sessions, Sarutobi puts his foot down and dangles temporary discharge from the shinobi forces over her head. Tsunade is not an idiot, is fully aware that he cannot afford to take her off the roster. She's so incredibly tempted to force his hand until Orochimaru takes her aside one evening, looks her in the eyes and says:

“Don't.” So she doesn't. Goes back to counseling. Does whatever the Yamanaka asks her to. When he suggests covering up the circle on her hand, she launches him through the wall and is saddled with a two-month suspension from actual combat. Tsunade isn't sure how she survives. Somehow, she does and when the two months are over, ignores her orders and runs off to destroy one hostile camp after another.

She's a medic, a healer, a caretaker, and she takes more lives during this war than anyone else.

When Dan tells Tsunade that he loves her, she returns the sentiment and can't help but remember the last time she uttered those words and how she felt then versus how she feels now. Dan deserves better, she knows it, Jiraiya and Orochimaru know it, fuck the entire village probably knows it. They look at her and see poor Tsunade, fallen from grace, never got over her first love's disappearance. When he proposes, she accepts and on the same day, starts hiding the circle under a henge. It's gone from sight but burns and sears her skin every second of every minute of every hour of-

Dan dies underneath her hands and there's nothing she can do to stop it just as she cannot stop Orochimaru from forcing sickly chakra down her throat until she throws up the pills she swallowed.

He keeps her secret, creating a debt so large Tsunade knows she will never be able to cover it. And he doesn't stop there. Jiraiya is reliable and Tsunade will love him for the rest of her life but he is no good for her right now, cannot do what she needs him to in the way she requires it. Orochimaru is private and sneaky, prefers to take care of issues swiftly, and with involving as few people as possible.

He steals the medication she cannot take from the hospital without arousing suspicion. He convinces Sarutobi who, in an almost comical turn of events, now trusts him more than he does Tsunade, that she is fit for duty. He keeps Jiraiya at bay while Tsunade spends days in bed without moving while her reassignment is being processed.

“Eat or I will make you.” His bedside manner is shit but so is hers and nobody is more surprised than she when she rasps a weak chuckle in his direction. He's a good cook and when she tastes a hint of sake in his broth, she shuts her eyes and wills her thoughts to calm and not go where she cannot bear them end up. Tsunade knows who showed him that trick, years ago.

That night in her dreams, she sees pink hair, jade eyes and hears breathless laughter that has her waking up with tears running down her cheeks.

“Senju Tsunade, thirty-one years old, jounin of Konohagakure, here to apply for formal custody over academy student Kato Shizune, eight years old, currently residing within the orphanage.” Tsunade bites her teeth and forces herself to nod. She cannot lose her temper, not now, not here, not around these people. Nobody can blacklist someone from the adoption list quite as efficiently as the council themselves. God knows she's always been on incredibly shaky ground with them for a variety of reasons but this _matters_ and she will fight tooth and nail to make it happen. It's what she owes to Dan. What she promised Sa-

A sudden spike of pain races through her mind and Tsunade hisses quietly.

“You have a history of alcoholism, lack of impulse control, violent tendencies, a fair number of cases where you disregarded direct orders, possible trauma and PTSD related to the loss of your family and lovers-” Utatane is a dirty rotten bitch and Tsunade grinds her jaw so hard she cracks a bone or two. Nobody in this room wants her to get her hands on the girl and old grievances are unearthed as they finally, finally, have found a way to pay her back. Damn those old decomposing fucks-

“I think we're all aware of Senju's long list of... issues. What makes you think anyone would entrust a small child into your care?” If Utatane is a cunt, Danzo is a blight upon the earth. With patience she gets from fuck knows where, Tsunade forces the budding snarl into a pleasant smile and interlocks her hands behind her back so only the civilian attendant can see that they're balled into fists.

“I have a personal interest in Shizune's well-being and education. I was appointed as her godmother and asked to take care of her in the event of her parent's deaths. Their will clearly states that I am to become her guardian. Besides, I have steady employment inside the village and could use the additional years of preparation until I plan to formally take her as my apprentice upon her graduation from the academy.” They don't make it easy for her but Tsunade is on the higher moral and legal ground and after three hours of politely talking her way around circles, she leaves the council chambers with Shizune's adoption papers.

That night is the last time she gets so drunk she passes out until Shizune is old enough to take care of herself.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” Tsunade squints at the kid that she hasn't seen all that often, then not at all after Dan died. Shizune looks normal as far as children go. She's never known what to do with them. They're young, sticky, not allowed to drink or fight and really that's how she connects with others so Tsunade can't really be blamed for having nothing in common with them.

“The lady at the orphanage said you adopted me.” She's well-spoken. That's good. Tsunade would rather break her own arm, twice, than having to resort to baby talk. The girl has large dark eyes and they gaze upon her surroundings in quiet curiosity. Tsunade clears her throat, then gestures at one of the doors to her left.

“Right. That's your room. The one over there is mine. I just moved in so if you still want to trade or something, you better decide fast.” Despite giving up her position as clan head she's still part of the family with all the monetary access that comes with it. Tsunade, who doesn't give a single flying fuck about apartment shopping, picked the first one she set eyes on and paid for a few months in advance. There's no way she can raise a kid in Orochimaru's hovel. That she has no idea how to raise a kid in general is a problem for another day.

“I can't cook for shit so it's takeout until you're old enough to learn. Other than that the rules are: Clean up after yourself, don't be loud, study hard and just generally do as I tell you. And don't come into my room. Ever. Knock first,” she adds almost as an afterthought. Tsunade knows that taking care of children basically means signing away all rights to privacy for the next ten years or so but she refuses to be terrorised by this tiny human.

At least the girl seems to understand and nods rapidly, short strands of dark hair dancing around her head as she does so. Tsunade remembers when Shizune had just grown her first patch of hair. Sakura had been so excited-

“Right. Off you go then. Do your homework or something. I'll give you a full physical in an hour.” The girl nods once more, then scurries off into the room Tsunade assigned her. With a sigh, she walks over to the nearest cupboard and pulls a bottle of sake from a hidden compartment she carved into the back. The kid is going to be the death of her.

“Why are you crying?” After ten minutes of trying to convince herself to just _leave_ , the kid will be _fine_ , Tsunade lost the fight with herself and asked. Shizune sniffles one last time, then shakes her head that's buried between her knees.

“I'm fine,” she murmurs and is not at all prepared for Tsunade's reaction.

“Oh no, you're not going to start lying to me. Cut that shit out right now.” She needs to curse less. Orochimaru, the bastard, finds it funny but Tsunade's niece who's already thinking about children of her own went all the way to Mito to complain. Tsunade can't help but shudder slightly. Her grandmother is still the only person who manages to put the fear of her maker in her, come hell or high water.

“Some of the kids are mean to me,” Shizune eventually admits in between hiccups and Tsunade is torn between groaning in annoyance at _kid problems_ and stomping to the academy to yell at those useless teachers until they wet themselves.

“Okay. Alright. Look, next time they bully you, this is what you do-”

“She broke my son's legs! Both of them!”

“And my daughter's arm!”

“Toshiro has a concussion!” Tsunade ignores the furious shouting of the assembled parents around her and leans down to whisper into Shizune's ear:

“Well done, kid.”

Shizune keeps her less busy than she feared and not enough to take her mind off the itch that increases with every single day that passes. Tsunade is thoroughly sick and tired of the village and its people, can't stand the attention she receives and the whispers that follow her wherever she goes. Orochimaru is busy with whatever it is he's doing and so is Jiraiya. Sarutobi is, as always, remarkably unhelpful. Tsunade is all on her own and it wears her down until even the antidepressants Orochimaru still supplies her with, aren't enough anymore.

She's snappish and antsy and drinks more often while actively avoiding Shizune. Tsunade noticed herself being horribly short and unpleasant towards the girl and hates herself even more for it. She can't make the kid suffer for her own inability to get her shit together. Even so, Shizune never once complains, is more quiet than usual and graduates within the year.

Her jounin sensei is some guy Tsunade doesn't give a flying fuck about and by the seventh time she kept Shizune at home to teach her the beginner lessons of medical chakra, Sarutobi drafts the apprenticeship papers and mails them to her apartment.

“You're mine now,” Tsunade declares upon signing the papers and sends Shizune to her room with an armful of medical texts. Once she's gone, she empties her secret cupboard and drinks until she only barely manages to stagger to bed before passing out.

“I can't fucking stand this village,” Tsunade drunkenly admits to Orochimaru one night when it's just the two of them. As the years went by she gravitated more and more towards him instead of Jiraiya. That one's living the high life, successful teacher of successful students with his own book series and plenty of female attention. He's good. Tsunade doesn't want to ruin him, too.

“You could just leave.” Her breath stops for a minute as her eyes go wide. She can. She can pack her things and get the fuck out. Who's going to stop her? Sarutobi who's a sentimental old fool who could never deny his students anything? Jiraiya who's not likely to notice until she's already far gone? Shi- Tsunade's eyes darken and she bites her lip.

“Can't. Got the kid,” she grumbles and while she would never regret taking her in – Shizune is intelligent, polite, eleven years old and a decent cook, Tsunade's first taste of being tied down due to responsibilities tastes quite sour indeed.

“Take her with you. She's your apprentice. If you apply for an extended field trip there's little they can do to stop you.” He's right. Tsunade knows better now than to get ahead of herself yet even she's not strong enough to squash the tiny flicker of hope that's taken root inside her chest.

“You know, Jiraiya would tell me I'm insane and try to make me stay,” she snarks in a weak attempt to be humorous and is pleased to note when Orochimaru raises his brow with a dismissive scoff.

“I'd thank you not to compare me to that loudmouth.” Not that she ever does. They're like day and night, sun and moon and she's the one who used to be their earth until the ground beneath her crumbled and she started falling.

“...would you miss me?” Orochimaru takes one hard look at her and the impeccable mask he carries on his face 24/7 shifts, if just for a moment.

“I've already been missing you for years.” Tsunade chuckles and it's a wet one that soon turns into a hiccup. Orochimaru doesn't comment, merely adjusts his posture so that she can lean onto him as she sobs into his shoulder.

“We'll leave. Just the two of us. See the world. You up for it, kid?” Shizune, whose watchful eyes don't miss the red blotches that stain Tsunade's cheeks, the shadows beneath her eyes and the smell of sake that still clings to her, bites her lip and nods.

“A field trip? How long do you plan on taking?”

“A year. Some practical experience will do the kid well.” Sarutobi looks at her, knows everything she does not say, then without another word signs the request.

“Take all the time you need.” He doesn't mean it, not quite like that, but Tsunade feels like she can breathe for the first time in almost ten years and by the time Sarutobi realises that she took his words just a tad too literally, she is long gone and out of his reach.

“Tell him I'm sorry.”

“Of course. Tsunade... take care of yourself.”

“Sure, Oro. Will do.”

A year passes. They're in the middle of nowhere somewhere close to Rain's border when Shizune, after getting in bed for the night, turns around and quietly asks:

“We're not going to go back, are we?” Tsunade slings an arm around her shoulders and pulls her closer.

“Do you want to?” she asks and both of them are fully aware that what Shizune wants, goes. Tsunade is flawed, incredibly so, but despite her own doubts and fears, she's more or less grown into her role as whatever she is to that kid. She refuses to let her own misery affect the girl.

“I want you to be happy.” Tsunade bites her lip until it bleeds and an hour later, when Shizune is fast asleep, she cries into the girl's hair because she does not deserve her kindness, is not and never will be good enough for the dumb little kid that would follow her to the end of the earth if only Tsunade asked.

Time flies, on the road. When one month past the agreed-upon year Tsunade is still out and about, the first courier delivers her orders to return to the village. The orders keep coming in, first from Sarutobi, then formal summons from the council. Occasionally, even Jiraiya asks her to come back before she's branded a missing-nin. As if that would truly bother her. Orochimaru doesn't contact her though once or twice Tsunade spots tiny snakes following them. A small wave later, they bob their heads and disappear from sight.

Half a year later, Tsunade officially turns into a wanted woman. She's not a missing-nin, not yet, but Orochimaru sends his first note with three words that make her blood run cold.

'They sent Jiraiya.' Orochimaru would have refused, she is sure of it. Sarutobi cannot make him do anything he doesn't want to and the last thing that snakeface wants is to deprive Tsunade of her freedom. Jiraiya on the other hand can make _her_ do whatever he wants. He's seen her decline just as much as Orochimaru and though he tried his best, he's always been too different from either of them. Tsunade and Orochimaru run on the same heartbeat. So did Jiraiya and-

If he finds her, he will convince her to come back. Tsunade grabs Shizune and leaves the village they've been staying in for the past week within the hour. The girl doesn't ask questions, sees the sheer panic in her face and wordlessly obeys her command to pack her things and move out. The chase lasts for weeks. Tsunade on her own could have easily outrun Jiraiya. Shizune cannot.

“No,” is all she says when he finally catches up with them in a small clearing in the South of Rice. She pushes Shizune behind her, not because she worries Jiraiya might use her against Tsunade but because that way she can grab her and run off should the need arise.

“Tsunade, you-”

“ _No_.” She grinds her teeth as her muscles tense. She's not going back. She won't. Refuses to. Can't, god she fucking can't go back and die all over again-

“Do you want them to hunt you? Are you really out there just to get yourself killed eventually? What the hell are Oro and I supposed to do then, huh? And Shizune? Would you really put her at risk just because Sakura left you-”

“DON'T TALK TO HER LIKE THAT!” Tsunade is stunned as suddenly Shizune stands in front of her, teeth bared and kunai in her hands. She stares at the girl even as the world goes quiet and she can't hear anything beyond an endless echo of a name that Jiraiya hasn't dared to speak aloud in years.

“If they come for us, I will kill them with my own hands!” Shizune burns like a fire, so alight with chakra and pure fury that Tsunade's eyes are transfixed on her scrawny silhouette that buzzes and brims with energy.

“Tell them that and leave us alone!”

“Shizune...” she murmurs, still frozen and unable to move. The girl takes a step backwards and reaches for her hand. The touch warms her from the inside out and pulls her from the depths of the oldest prison that has ever chained her.

“Hime... please. Let me help you.” Jiraiya pleads one more time but all Tsunade can look at are Shizune's dark eyes which are so trusting and wise beyond her years.

“Let's go,” the child speaks softly and Tsunade finds herself nodding in agreement.

“Tsunade-” He doesn't get to finish. In a swirl of leaves, the two of them disappear and as they continue to run, Tsunade doesn't pick up his scent again.

The ANBU never come. The orders stop. The last message Tsunade receives before one and a half decades of complete and utter silence arrives in the form of a snakelet.

“You're free,” it hisses before dissolving into a cloud of smoke. Free. She releases a breath she didn't know she'd been holding and lets herself fall back onto the grass. Free. Finally, she's _free_.

The following years are a blur. Shizune grows older and so does Tsunade who, after being called an old lady once, in a move of defiance starts using a henge that's anchoured within her byakugou and a permanent solution to the fine lines that appeared out of nowhere one misty morning. They never stay in one place for long, always on the move for that is where Tsunade is happiest.

When Shizune is sixteen and has proven time and time again that between the two of them, she is the responsible one, Tsunade takes to drinking once more. It's a habit at this point, one she developed and nourished during her teenage years and while she does enjoy the taste, the main reason she keeps getting drunk is that it helps her forget.

She improves, gradually, if only because she avoids any and all things that could remind her of any of the great tragedies in life. At some point, Tsunade takes up gambling once again. She still loses, can't remember the single time she ever won a game but it's fun – Shizune fretting over her is her main source of amusement these days and the kid throws a conniption fit every time Tsunade announces that they've really got to go, she's out of money and the debt collectors have just entered the town.

After five years, she remembers how to smile.

After eight years, she gets that pet pig she always wanted and the reminder barely even stings.

After ten years, she and Shizune are so set in their roles they work like a perfectly oiled machine and start becoming friends rather than guardian and charge.

After twelve years, Tsunade is an alcoholic that's constantly on the run from debt collectors but she sleeps well at night and laughs freely during the day.

After fourteen years, her dream is over.

Upon winning the first bet, Tsunade's heartbeat stops for a second, then speeds up. When she wins the jackpot, she's halfway into a panic attack. She wins again and again and again and races to the toilet only to throw up. She's blind in terror and has only one thing on her mind. Find Shizune and run.

They don't get far. Fuck, he looks exactly how she remembers him but while Tsunade was running far and wide and never returned to Fire country, she heard the tales. Knows exactly what Orochimaru has done and who he turned into. He's not here to catch up. He's here because he wants something and Tsunade is willing to bet that their shared past doesn't mean shit anymore.

“Hime,” he greets her and hearing his voice once more makes her so happy she wants to cry instead. He has a boy with him, one that looks to be the Shizune to his Tsunade and she's intimately aware of how evenly matched they are.

“Here to kill me?” she asks and her warped sense of humor allows her to be amused by how much has changed. Decades ago he saved her life. Now she's not sure where they stand.

“On the contrary. I came to collect my debt.” The bastard remembers. Tsunade grits her teeth, recalls the largest favour he has ever done her, how he secretly took care of her for years, was the thread that connected her to life. Tsunade clenches her fists and knows that no matter how much of a monster he is, no matter how many innocents she will condemn, she cannot turn him down.

“Tsunade-sama! You can't-” Shizune exclaims when she takes a single step towards him. She reaches out, attempts to stop her, when Orochimaru's boy points a kunai at her.

“Call off your dog. She's off-limits,” Tsunade demands immediately, knows who she's dealing with, knows that _some things_ are still sacred. Orochimaru knows this too, and tells the boy to stand down. When she's right in front of him, he extends his arms. Tsunade doesn't need to use her jutsu to know exactly where and how he received an injury as grievous as this.

“Was it worth it?” she asks, sending a quiet prayer towards the sky where she hopes Sarutobi is with his loved ones.

“Satisfying, above all else.” Tsunade's movements stutter for a moment during which she wonders if the village is still standing. It has to be. If it didn't, Orochimaru wouldn't be here.

“You know, during my brief return to our old home, I happened upon the most curious little thing.” She calls upon her chakra, refusing to meet his eyes. The way he speaks, the tone he uses, all bode ill. Tsunade tells herself to do her job, then part ways with him.

“Of course I didn't harm her. Didn't touch a single strand of those lovely pink locks.” Deep inside within Tsunade's mind, a thick iron lock cracks and shatters into pieces.

“If you want to meet her, I'm sure I could arrange something. It wouldn't do to let your aid go unpaid-” She brings down a castle on top of his head, grabs Shizune and runs, runs, _runs_ , desperate, panicked, mindless, but she cannot run from this, cannot run from _her_ , _her with the pink hair_ -

When Shizune is out of breath, Tsunade doesn't stop. She keeps running until she can no longer move her feet and breaks down in the middle of a forest, tries to breathe but can't, screams when the pain inside her head overwhelms her, and drowns in images of pink, green and the memories of a time she long since buried behind countless locks and doors.

Shizune finds her eventually, always does. They both pretend she's fine. It's all they can do.

“Tsunade.” He's old. It's the first thought she has, a startling realisation that cuts through the thick haze of alcohol that clouds her senses. He has a kid with him that she pays little attention to. Whatever Jiraiya wants, he won't get but for old time's sake she's willing to entertain him. After Orochimaru and three weeks of not being sober, she's too tired to try and fight.

“You look like shit,” she replies, ignoring Shizune's scandalised 'Tsunade-sama!' as if she didn't threaten him with a kunai back when she was still a little brat.

“Also whatever you're selling I'm not interested.” She's content to remain a wanderer for the rest of her days. Exile is her solution, running her chosen method. Tsunade doesn't doubt that one day Shizune will return to the village or settle down somewhere despite constantly turning down offers left and right. While it's hard to imagine life without her now, Tsunade knows she will adjust. She went through worse, after all.

“Even if what I'm trying to sell is a hat?” She squints at Jiraiya, wonders if the old coot has finally lost his mind with that random statement until she notices the seriousness in his expression, the thin line of his mouth, the startling resemblance the kid has to his old student. Just then, her world tilts sideways.

“Shizune. We're leaving,” is all she says, trying to ignore the way her voice shakes and her hands shiver. Tsunade downs her last shot, then gets to her feet and prepares to walk away only to be challenged by the kid of all people.

“Eh?! You can't leave! The pervert said you're the new Hokage!” The word alone nearly makes her stumble. Shizune is there, as always, and expertly turns the beginnings of a panic attack into a drunken misstep. The mere idea of returning to that place, to the nightmare she cannot deny, the future she tries so hard to fight, ruins her.

“I'm not. Find a different idiot to do the job.” The following ten minutes are hell on earth. The kid yells and rages at her, shows a total lack of impulse control while he talks about the hat as if it's the moon and the stars and everything in between. He sounds so much like Nawaki that Tsunade wants to throw up. He baits her, eventually, and Tsunade curses her lack of foresight. She loses bets. Always has and always will.

She loses this one too.

She kisses Shizune on the forehead when the woman is unconscious. It's goodbye because after this, Tsunade will never see her again. The ache is nearly blinding but she forces herself to go on. This is her last hurrah, her final resort to avoid a fate she cannot bear. She has to break the cycle. Nobody else can.

Orochimaru is not surprised to see her again. Is fully aware of why she has come. He, who knows her inside out, better than anyone else, has from the start always been certain that Tsunade would set the world on fire if only it meant she could forever outrun her problems. Jiraiya's biggest flaw is still, to this day, that he believes in the good in others. There is no good left within Tsunade. Only desperation.

“I will destroy Konoha,” he says, just once, to test her. It's shockingly easy to not react at all.

“Do what you want.” If _she_ is dead, _she_ cannot turn into the one who will shatter Tsunade into so many pieces she will forever be unable to pick them up again.

Jiraiya interrupts them and in the split second that Tsunade's vision shifts and in the kid's place she sees her young baby brother, she makes the most fatal decision of them all.

Orochimaru is gone to lick his wounds. Tsunade returns to Konoha and instead of a celebrated hero, feels like a prisoner in shackles.

She tries. Oh _fuck_ , she tries.

“I don't have the time to take on an apprentice,” she says when Hatake first mentions his student.

“I'll recommend her for the medic's branch,” she offers when he makes his second effort.

“I'll be busy with the council all day,” she explains when Shizune asks why she won't be present during the mission debrief.

“She can report to Shizune,” she declares when the Uchiha retrieval mission fails.

She _fucking_ tries. Still, it's not enough.

“Um. Excuse me? Hokage-sama?” Tsunade's body reacts faster than her brain so she looks up at the young voice that interrupts her paperwork only to have her carefully constructed house of cards comes crashing down.

She turns her down. Once. Twice. Countless times. The girl keeps trying and chips away at Tsunade's armor, wears her down until she's little more than bones. Eventually, when she gets enough control over her body to stop the panic attacks before they can occur and resignation finally sets in, she agrees.

For decades she tried to outrun fate. And now it has finally caught up to her.

“She thinks you hate her,” Shizune points out one evening during dinner. She's been short with her lately, actually, ever since Tsunade agreed to teach the girl only to ignore her and make Shizune do all the work.

“Pity,” she replies, cannot help being snappish and inconsiderate. Shizune doesn't understand, cannot possibly understand. This secret Tsunade will take to her fucking grave, whatever it takes. Her closest companion's distance and scorn hurt (but it is nothing in comparison to what the truth could do.)

“What is wrong with you?!” Shizune demands, angry and furious on the behalf of that girl that Tsunade avoids like the pest. She'd claim she made an effort, attempted to give her a chance but she would have to lie. Even spotting her in the crowd takes all air from her lungs, sends her closer and closer to the edge of the abyss. With every day that passes and she grows a little older, the day of Tsunade ruining her own life draws closer. The clock ticks, drives her insane, and she cannot deal with constantly being reminded of it.

“I don't have the time to teach a brat. I told Hatake multiple times that I'm too busy. The brat should've known better than to expect much when apprenticing under a kage.” Shizune stares at her, long and hard, then gets up and disappears into her bedroom. The disgust hurts more than Tsunade wants to admit but she cannot change this and cannot change herself. These days, there are far too many 'cannot's' and even more in her future. The itch to desert and leave behind the village once more grows with each passing day.

The girl turns fourteen and on the same day, Tsunade drinks more than even she can stomach and Shizune, who is busy attending the celebration, isn't around to hold her when she clings to the sink and throws up.

The girl turns fifteen and Tsunade, disguised with a henge, ends up in some woman's bed only to later scrub her skin until it bleeds.

The girl turns sixteen and Tsunade stares at a small box of plain white pills until Shizune returns earlier than expected which makes her hide them in her pockets where they remain for the years to come.

The girl turns seventeen in the middle of a warzone where Tsunade abandons everyone and everything just to always stay close to her and make sure she fucking survives even if it's at the cost of her own life and no matter how much she hates herself because of it.

The girl turns eighteen and after activating the protective fuinjutsu that render her office completely soundproof, Tsunade screams until her voice dies and thrashes everything around her to pieces before fleeing to the Hokage's residence and unearthing her uncle's notes.

“I hate you,” she says and hours later breaks down into tears. The following three weeks are the worst of her life. (Except it gets so, so much worse.)

Tsunade cannot breathe. Her heart stops beating as her vision narrows and fear so strong she nearly passes out renders her immobile. The smoke clears only to reveal her worst nightmare. She remembers the length of her hair, the dark Senju crest on her hand, even the white top, one that Tsunade herself gifted her over thirty years ago.

For a single moment, she forgets where she is, forgets her own age, forgets everything and everyone but the woman she loves so fucking much standing in front of her, in all her glory.

“Saku-chan! You're back!” And just like that, the spell is broken, the illusion shattered, the dream once more a nightmare. Tsunade turns away, abruptly and before the woman can notice her. Her insides run cold and hot at the same time as the dam breaks and she remembers every single kiss, every time they fucked, all the hours they spent in each other's company under the stars. Remembers telling her she loved her. And knows that it can never happen again.

“It's been five years for me.” Five years for her, thirty-three years of ruin, agony, so much fucking hurt, for Tsunade. She's the same, down to the chipped pink polish on her nails while Tsunade has changed so much that not even a single shred of her old self remains. She notices the way her throat closes up and her hands start to shake. She has to leave. Now.

“A report isn't necessary. You get three days of rest, then Shizune expects you back at the hospital.” Tsunade prays, begs whatever deity is watching over her that the woman will take it and _leave_. She doesn't and Tsunade never expected her to. Her eyes go wide and watery but Tsunade refuses to give even an inch.

“I said: Dismissed,” she bites and curses herself and the woman because she feels her blood run hot, her chakra buzz, is a helpless observer as a rage so old and forgotten rises to the surface once more. The longer she looks at her, the more she is assaulted by memories that reawaken everything Tsunade tried so very hard to bury.

“Is that it?” Tsunade is terrified of the sudden anger in her voice, the flush on her cheeks, the heavy rise and fall of her chest. The past is coming at her with the speed of a thousand shinobi and she cannot turn her head and look away.

“Get out of my office,” she retorts, blindly holding onto the last hints of self-control. But then, then she steps closer, is close enough that Tsunade can smell her and with fire in her eyes, challenges her.

She knows what the woman is doing. And yet she lets her pull her along as they spit and bite, fight with words and the promise of blood, violence and pain that brings both of them to life and makes them spark in colors so rich and vibrant they shine brighter than the sun. She stares at her, drowns in her image and her wrath and wants nothing more than to kiss her until she suffocates, bite and mark her body, rip apart her clothes and fuck her senseless.

Sakura is back and Tsunade is falling.

The fallout is enormous. She loses control and breaks her shoulder, makes her leave in the most painful of ways. Once she's out of sight, Tsunade feels the slickness between her legs, the sheer energy that crackles between her fingertips and turns her hair frizzy, the pure unadulterated desire to search and destroy and wants nothing more than to run as far as her legs carry her.

“WHAT THE HELL BAA-CHAN!” With a single sharp breath, the world starts spinning and with wide eyes and dilated pupils, Tsunade's head snaps around and she remembers her audience. Her position. Her _age_.

“Get the fuck out of my office,” she growls, nothing at all like she usually does. It's not her temper that controls her. It's pure bloodlust.

“Like hell I will! What was that about? Why did you punch her? What the fuck is going on?!” Naruto's voice grinds her nerves to dust and the longer he speaks, the more Tsunade feels herself slipping into the kind of fury that leaves corpses in its wake. Shizune, who is attuned to her more than anyone else, feels the stirrings of Tsunade's killing intent immediately and gasps.

“Leave,” she grinds out between her teeth and clenches her fists, a sharp spike of chakra sending a nearby stack of paper flying.

“T-Tsunade-sama,” Shizune tries but when another burst of chakra erupts from Tsunade's core and shatters every single window in the office, Hatake finally comes to his senses. He grabs the kids and disappears seconds before Tsunade launches her desk through the wall.

“Tsunade...” She turns around, faces Shizune and whispers:

“Go.” It's the quiet before the storm that sets her in motion and makes her disappear as well. Tsunade stands still and breathes. In, out. In, out. In. Out.

The earth shakes and quakes as the Hokage's office is blown to bits.

“She has returned then, it seems.”

“And you truly took it in stride.”

“The past is in the past. You need to let it go.”

“If you continue to lose your temper like a child perhaps you might want to retire early.”

“Elders?” Tsunade asks as she gets off her seat and looks at Utatane and Mitokado.

“Shut your mouths before I make you.”

Tsunade sleeps, works and drinks. Sakura drinks, parties and fucks strangers. She, who thought her heart had broken years ago, is shown the error of her ways.

Tsunade knows what is coming. Sees it from miles away. They have always been different yet alike and between reports of property damage, rumors concerning various scandalous escapades and gossip about how the second coming of the sannin is fragmented into pieces a second time, she waits for the day that Sakura turns in her headband and leaves just like Tsunade did, oh so many years ago.

She knows what is coming. Yet when it does, she finds that she's not ready for it at all. Still, she lets her go. Knows better than to try and pretend they can go back to what they used to be. Too many years, too much hurt and too much fucking history stand between them like a crevice so long and wide one can barely even see the other side.

Tsunade told her, once, that she will never forgive her. And she hasn't. So when Sakura comes to see her, begs her to change her mind one last time, she does not waver. Does not budge. Does not tell her that she was never strong enough to be able to hate her. That fury, dismissal and rejection are her last line of defense, the barrier of the desperate, the last stand of one who ruined herself for love once and will not survive doing so again.

There are a lot of things Tsunade doesn't tell Sakura. When the sun dawns and she is gone, they stop mattering.

Naruto screams and yells until she grabs him by the collar of his shirt and throws him out of her office. Hatake looks at her, once, and Tsunade can see that he put the pieces together, unaware of the details he may be. She stares back until he caves and retreats. Shizune doesn't talk to her anymore. The council, at least, seems appeased. Life gradually picks up again and after a year or so, everyone returns to their old routines. Shizune is still cagey and distant which drives Tsunade to spend the evenings they usually have dinner together in bars instead.

At some point the idiot and the Uchiha attempt to leave the village to find the third member of their team and from one moment to the next, Tsunade loses her temper. She doesn't lay hand on either of them but throws them in holding cells for a week until they understand that it's not their place to force Sakura to do what they want. That her desires matter more than theirs, for her own fucking sake. Naruto attempts to use their history against her, claims that one who never even paid any attention to her cannot possibly know what it's really like.

She clocks him in the face and despite herself, is honest enough to tell him that she's always known her better than either of those two ever have.

They're on opposite sides after that. Tsunade is a name that is once more regarded fondly and as Hokage she is their leader they respect. The kid is still perceived as somewhat of an idiot but he's their war hero, he matured and has more people behind him than he used to. The village doesn't split or gets separated into two parties but with every day that passes, Tsunade's more tempted to just leave the hat and return to exile.

The younger generation isn't fond of her, all except for the ex-Root that slips into her office one quiet night and thanks her for letting Sakura go. She nods at him, then later when he's gone can't help but laugh before getting drunk and lamenting her own fucking mistakes that brought her to this point in the first place.

“You have a year to get used to the idea. Then it's yours whether you want it or not,” Tsunade says when Hatake shows up for a mission debrief. She points at the hat and when he tries to protest, refuses to listen. The council already agreed. They don't like the man but they have always liked her less so convincing them was child's play. As for herself, she cannot _wait_ to be rid of it and return to being a nameless wanderer.

“She told me, you know. Just before she left.” Tsunade suspected this, has feared this, but in reality, she's too damn relieved that Shizune is here, having dinner with her, to give in to the urge to deflect, evade or even run. She reaches for the sake and downs the entire bottle in one go, then faces her charge, friend, assistant head-on.

“Did she.” Shizune hums and almost absent-mindedly reaches for the necklace she still wears, has never taken off, that took years for Tsunade to stop looking at it and see who gifted it. Shizune looks at her, opens her mouth, then closes it. Tsunade waits.

“Why didn't you?” Fuck, she sounds so small and vulnerable that it takes Tsunade back twenty years to where Shizune was still a young kid that was being bullied by others. She's never been her mother, never attempted to become one, never dared to try and replace the one she lost. But those maternal feelings still resurface as if they never disappeared and Tsunade hates that nobody can make her feel guilty and ashamed quite like Shizune can.

“I couldn't,” she replies earnestly and prepares to unearth painful truths she hid from Shizune for decades. She owes her this no matter how much she doesn't want to. Because the kid, ( _her_ kid) is the one who carried the burden when Tsunade was unable to pull herself together. First during their travels, then when they returned to the village. Tsunade is the one who, through her faults and flaws, forced Shizune to grow up too soon. Just one more regret that will haunt her for the rest of her life.

“I've always been weak. When my brother died, she became my pillar and later, the first great love of my life. When she was gone, I slipped and never recovered. Dan, he...” She takes a deep breath to try and center herself.

“He helped. I... I was terrible to him but he stayed by my side, kept me upright. And when he died...” Blood flashes in front of her face, her own hands coated in his red and the endless whispers of 'failure, failure, failure'- Tsunade shakes herself, physically, to tear herself away from the edge.

“I never recovered. From either of them. To the point where I took you and condemned you to the life of a nomad without roots that had to take care of the one person who was supposed to take care of you.” She can't keep the utter disgust she feels at herself out of her voice. She and Shizune never talked about this, never brought it up so all Tsunade ever had were her own self-deprecating thoughts that she drowned in alcohol before they got the better of her.

“I never blamed you.” Tsunade's breath gets caught in her throat upon hearing Shizune's soft whisper. She doesn't look at her, can't take it for she knows exactly what kind of expression the woman wears on her face. She's too soft, too kind, too goddamn good and _fuck_ , Tsunade never deserved her.

“You weren't perfect of course, but you raised me and took care of me, taught me everything I know. I loved you. I still do.” Tsunade chokes up, bites her lip and looks away because this is too much and she got by for decades without crying in front of her and refuses to do so now. Shizune renders her helpless, always has, always fucking will in a way so terrifyingly similar to Sakura that she feels all her walls crumbling to pieces.

“And I understand.” A single tear strolls down her cheek just as she bites hard enough to draw blood. Her shoulders shake as she tries and tries to keep her composure.

“I understand.” Tsunade cries and Shizune rounds the table, goes to her knees in front of her and slings her arms around her.

“I'm so sorry,” she breathes, years and years of pain and guilt stuffed into four words as she cannot stop the tears, leans into Shizune's embrace and gives up on pretending she's okay.

“I know.” For hours they remain like this and for hours, Shizune never once lets go.

One year turns into two turns into three. Tsunade still does the job though she banished the hat into a dusty old cupboard. Hatake is with her now, learns and observes as she prepares him for a job that she's done for way too long. Naruto never quite forgives her though he too, grows up and learns that some secrets will forever be kept from him. Sakura's presence fades yet every night, Tsunade finds herself praying for her safety.

She feels his presence before he announces himself. Shock and surprise quickly give way to resignation. The fact that she's already halfway to drunk off her ass helps with that. She launches the kunai in one lazy motion and doesn't react when he steps out of the shadows, an inch away from where the weapon is stuck in the walls of her office.

“It seems like age has dulled your senses,” he drawls and Tsunade merely raises an eyebrow in his direction.

“I aimed to miss. Asshole.”

“Charming as ever, hime,” Orochimaru replies with that unbearable aura of dignity and superiority that clings to him since they were children.

“What do you want?” She doesn't raise the alarms or even try to ready herself for combat. The snake laid low ever since his perceived death close to the end of the war. If he didn't cause trouble, chances are he's not here to start shit now. Tsunade remembers the last time they were together and finds that she simply doesn't have it within herself to get agitated.

“You don't seem surprised to see me,” he points out as he steps closer until he comes to a stand in front of her desk. Tsunade snorts, once, and raises her bottle in a mock salute.

“You're a slippery bastard. No way a bunch of kids took you down.” She mourned for him, of course she did, but he doesn't need to know that. There's little doubt in Tsunade's mind that he _does_ , in fact, know. Still, no need to point it out.

“Your faith in me is ever so enlightening.” Tsunade clucks her tongue, then finally looks at him with a hint of steel in her eyes.

“I won't ask again.” She dismissed the ANBU hours ago and yet if someone were to find them casually chatting like the old friends they _are_ , no matter their fucking history, the consequences would be truly unpleasant to deal with.

“I had hoped for a more... friendly reunion. I was quite disheartened when you didn't notice me during the funeral.” For a split second, Tsunade cannot control her reaction. A faint puff of air escapes her lips as her eyes widen and the grip on her bottle tightens. He'd been there? She clearly recalls the day, how fucking hard it'd been not to sob like a baby as she delivered the speech she wrote in a drunken haze while they erected a monument in place of the missing body.

“You were at Jiraiya's funeral? I don't buy it.” Snark and sarcasm are part of her defense, which Orochimaru is intimately aware of it.

“Oh?” Still, he plays along. That alone gives Tsunade hope for a future in which they can be close once more. Despite everything, she missed the bastard so much it almost hurt.

“No frogs raining from a burning sky, no howling wolves, no crying babies... you know, what usually happens wherever you go.”

“I see you've already reached alcohol levels that would leave ordinary people deaf and blind.”

“Bite me, snakeface.” Their banter lifts her spirits and brings a smirk to her lips as she eyes him with a long forgotten kind of mirth dancing across her features. She sees it in his face too, in the way he cannot quite hide the way the corner of his mouth twitches upwards. Moments pass during which he contemplates _something_. Tsunade's unrest resurfaces and grows with every second they spend in silence.

“She called me that too, when I saw her. I blame you for that one, by the way.”

“Drop it.” She shuts down within the blink of an eye. If this is what he came for he might as well turn around and leave. She's not in the mood.

“Touchy subject? You'd think that after over thirty years you'd have gotten over her.” Yeah. You'd think.

“I told you to drop it.” The day that Orochimaru is truly intimidated by Tsunade's scary face is the day he admits to being wrong every once in a while and they both know that's never going to happen.

“I am curious... did you ever stop loving her?” She stares at him, long and hard, then empties another bottle and gives up.

“You're not going to drop it, are you,” she replies with a sigh. Orochimaru remains silent which is as good an answer as any.

“Yes. I did eventually stop loving her.” Tsunade has no idea why he's even interested but there it is, the truth, and he can do with it whatever he wants.

“But?” She sighs again before turning away and letting her head tilt backwards.

“...but... when she appeared in the middle of my damn office, looking just like she did on the day she left...”

“Ah. I see.” She doesn't need to elaborate.

“Woman has always been more trouble than she's worth. Told Shizune everything just before she left and now I have a brat on my hands that suddenly questions every dubious decision I've ever made during our years of travel and wonders whether the reason for them is Dan or Sakura.” The fact that Tsunade can speak both names without going to deep and dark places is mere proof of how drunk she is. At least her relationship with Shizune recovered from the strain she placed on it. They don't talk about the past since Shizune knows better than to ask. Still, they bounced back and Tsunade thanks the heavens for it every single day.

“The comfort boy and the one who got away.” As if a switch had been flipped, the brunt of Tsunade's fury returns. The bottle in her hand shatters to pieces as her head whips around and she shows Orochimaru her teeth.

“Don't you dare insult his memory like that. He was more than simple comfort,” she warns, will not ever allow anyone to speak of him in such a manner. Tsunade was a terrible partner, milked him of all the love and compassion he had to give but he stayed by her side, loved her in the only way he knew how. He deserves better than to be remembered as a mere 'comfort'.

“So she is your one that got away.” The bastard changes the subject, successfully derailing Tsunade who stares at him, then takes a deep breath and lets go. He's not interested in being a dick which is a startling revelation in itself. Tsunade's not quite sure if she'd rather fight him or entertain his sudden interest in her and Sakura and everything they're not.

“Yeah... I suppose she is.” It doesn't hurt to admit that. Tsunade never truly let her go. The feelings did fade at some point during her exile. The pain and hurt never did. The _memory_ never did.

“She's still out there. You haven't lost her yet.” Tsunade gives a derisive snort and drinks more. Always more.

“I lost her decades ago.” It's a lie because Sakura left her behind but she's not in the mood to revisit that specific kind of regret. She's too old for this shit.

“Ah. That's where you're wrong.”

“Am I.” Tsunade shrugs once before placing her feet on the desk and pushing one of her bottles in his direction. He won't take her up on it, never has, but she can't stop wishing he would so it would shut him up.

“You never _lost_ her. You let her go.” She could argue. She's too tired to do so.

“Same thing, really.” It really fucking isn't.

“The difference is that you can still get her back.” Orochimaru leaves after that, off to do whatever it is not-quite-dead snakefaced bastards like to do. Tsunade remains behind with the spark of an idea in her mind that she doesn't quite manage to squash no matter how much she wants to.

“Congratulations. Have fun with that for the next ten years or so.” She claps him on the shoulder, then turns around and walks away from Konohagakure and the Rokudaime Hokage.

Traveling by herself is strange. It takes Tsunade less than a week to get used to being on the move again. She thrives in the freedom, the lack of countless hours chained to that desk, the solitude, the _peace_. Shizune stayed behind as she knew she would. Tsunade doesn't blame her. The woman has earned her reprive and loves her job. Saying goodbye had been hard. The entire time they'd spoken, Tsunade knew that she and Shizune were anxiously waiting for the part where the blonde would offer Shizune to accompany her. Shizune wouldn't have said no. They both were painfully aware of that. And because of that, Tsunade never asked. She misses her, of course she does, but simply knowing that Shizune is happy is enough to remove the desire for her company from Tsunade's mind.

Tsunade wanders places high and low, stays away from major towns and prefers to spend her time in tiny backwater villages where nobody knows her name and the diamond on her forehead is perceived as little more than a curious small detail. Anonymity is a blessing and, curiously enough, Tsunade finds she drinks less and enjoys the fresh air surrounding her more with each month that passes.

She, who hasn't known true peace ever since that fucking night where her life and heart were torn in two, finally, _finally_ has found rest.

She wanders for a year, visits the Mizukage once and spends the nights in her bed. The woman is a welcome respite, a pleasant comfort that understands the parameters of the arrangement and knows that it's a one time deal. They match well and the woman's constant teasing coaxes Tsunade into fighting her for dominance. She expects it to hurt, to be choked by the memories. She's not. When she leaves Water, it's with a smile on her face and lightness in her chest.

She doesn't expect to ever return to Konoha if she's being honest with herself. Nothing's waiting for her there except for Shizune who would sooner meet her somewhere on the road rather than allow Tsunade back to the place that has hurt her the most.

When she does return, it is because of a call for help. Shizune is skilled, beyond skilled, but despite all that, she will never reach Tsunade's level. And when Shizune can do nothing to help the Rokuedaime's wounds after a nearly successful assassination attempt, Konoha sends for the one woman who can.

Her arrival in the village is met by chaos and too much noise. She shrugs off her escorts and immediately goes straight to the hospital. Tsunade feels itchy in this place, has for years before she left and being back in the village is distracting and generally unpleasant. She doesn't pay as much attention as she should have so upon entering the Rokuedaime's room, Tsunade is completely and utterly blindsided.

Her whole body freezes when she spots her, as unchanged as the last time she saw her, dressed in scrubs and staring at a clipboard she drops when their eyes meet. Tsunade swallows audibly, then tears her gaze off the woman, inspects the apparently healthy and fully recovered kage and turns on her heel.

“Next time, don't call both of us,” she snarls at the Nara who keeps watch and curses herself to the high heavens. Of course they would've sent for her, too. They have the same damn qualifications and dam the woman for showing up before Tsunade did.

“Hey, wait- damnit, wait!” Like fucking hell she's going to wait. Tsunade quickens her pace until she's just shy of running and exits the hospital as fast as she can. She's finally okay, alright with herself and the world and doesn't need Sakura throwing her off her feet _again_.

“Tsunade, stop!” A hand closes itself around her wrist and Tsunade's reaction is so violent she nearly rips the woman's limb from her body. The touch electrifies her, turns her insides hot, so incredibly hot she's about to burst into flames. Thirty-eight _fucking_ years and Tsunade still reacts to Sakura as if they were both eighteen and oblivious to the massive shitshow their lives are going to become.

“Please. Can you just talk to me?” Sakura pleads and every single fibre in her body wants to run. She can't allow this woman to draw her in, disarm her and bring down every single one of her defenses until she lies before her naked, bare and vulnerable.

“You're old enough to move on,” she growls and frees herself only to be caught once more. She opens her mouth to protest and verbally attack Sakura until she lets her go but any and all efforts are cut off before they can begin. The world twists and turns and suddenly she's in the middle of someone's living room, judging from the smell and general makeup, one that belongs to the woman whose chakra-enhanced grip doesn't allow Tsunade to move away.

“What the fuck do you think you're doing!” she demands, uses her free hand to reach for Sakura and possibly throw her into the next wall when that one too is snatched out of the air. Sakura restrains her, all fire and flame, and presses down on Tsunade's wrists until it hurts.

“I left this village to get away from you but you're so damn persistent and lodged into my brain that I cannot fucking stop thinking about you!” Sakura spits like a wild animal and her fury, the way her chakra roils, pulls Tsunade down and down, right into her vortex.

“I tried! I even settled down for an entire year with a lovely woman but she wasn't you and every day I woke up I wished you were in her place!” Sakura's teeth are sharp as she curses her name, rants about how much she hates her, how she despises her, how she wishes they'd never fucking met and Tsunade is helpless and disarmed in the eye of her storm.

“I'm done with you running away from me. You are _mine_ and it's about fucking time you remember that!”

“Get the _hell_ away from me-” Tsunade cannot finish her sentence. Suddenly, Sakura's lips are on hers and Tsunade comes undone.

Her mind is shut down as her body remembers and takes over. Conscious thought is gone, so are the memories. There is nothing but sheer desperate desire and with every second Sakura kisses her, Tsunade loses one more year until she's twenty all over again. She's never been able to fight her. In the end, Tsunade has always been helpless in the face of everything that is Sakura.

They tear off each other's clothes and draw blood as they bite, scratch and bite some more. Neither one is gentle, hurt, pain and anger fuelling their every move. Tsunade growls when Sakura pulls at her hair and Sakura hisses in fury when Tsunade draws deep red lines across her back. She hates her, she loves her, loses a tiny bit of herself with every move she makes.

Sakura is rough on her breasts, bites her nipples and tugs on them in a way that makes her cry in pain just as much as it wets the insides of her thighs. In turn, she closes one hand around Sakura's neck and applies pressure, cuts off her airflow for seconds at a time while she forces two fingers inside her cunt, not at all mindful of the sharpness of her nails.

Sakura eventually repays her by burying her head between her thighs, licking and sucking until Tsunade is so fucking close only to stop at the last second and repeat the process all over again.

They spend hours like this. The sun goes down eventually as they fight just as much as they fuck each other like two wild animals that haven't yet decided whether they want to kill one another or not.

Tsunade never grows tired of it. Neither does Sakura. Too much time and too much shit have ruined anything that's ever been between them but this, this is the one language they can still communicate in. This is the one thing that has never changed.

At some point, Sakura's kisses grow softer and Tsunade's hold on her neck loosens. She bites less and licks more while Sakura quits teasing and sends her over the edge instead. They're a whirlwind of colors but like every storm, they eventually descend from their high and instead become warm summer air and fresh rain with only faint remnants of electricity hanging between them.

It is in that moment, that Sakura, curled up next to Tsunade, whispers the final damning words:

“I love you.”

Tsunade is running before she even notices. Her head is a mess, an endless echo of 'I love you' as she throws on her pants and blouse before fleeing the apartment. The nightmares are back, the memories at the forefront of her mind, the years in every single one of her bones. She presses a hand over her mouth to stop herself from screaming and almost slips on the wet tiles of the roofs she races across.

Rain pours from the sky, drenches her within seconds and obscures her vision. The skies have opened and only the occasional lightning strike gives her away as she runs and runs and runs. She has no destination, no thought beyond running so far that her past can never reach her. Not again. Not fucking _again_.

“Tsunade!” Her heart skips a beat and for the fraction of a second, she loses her footing and stumbles. Tsunade's eyes go wide as she falls. The ground is racing towards her, coming closer and closer until she shuts her eyes and waits for the impact that is going to silence the voices in her head forever.

“Shit!” Silence never comes. Rain patters onto her skin but she is warm, safe and secure.

“Fuck... you scared me.” It's Sakura and she's in her arms, in the middle of the main road of the village. Her mind takes its time to catch up with her and when Sakura gently places Tsunade back on her feet, she's dizzy and nearly crumbles again.

“Did you get hurt?” she asks quietly. Exhaustion caught up to Tsunade who's tired out of nowhere, too spent to fight her anymore.

“I'm sorry. For what I said. I meant it but... wasn't my place.” They stand in the rain like two lost children, leaning against each other, as the weather rages around them. Tsunade tilts her head upwards and looks at the sky, doesn't mind the raindrops hitting her eyes. She's always liked storms.

“I know you don't love me anymore. Can't, I guess. Honestly, the longer I think about it, I don't even want you to. After everything I've done to you... you deserve to be happy. And... and I can't make that happen.” She doesn't speak, doesn't think, merely listens to Sakura's whispers that just barely cut through the rain and thunder.

“I never got to tell you but... I'm sorry, Tsunade. I shouldn't have left. I thought I had to, to make sure I don't ruin the future. Instead, I chose to ruin you and perhaps that's my age speaking or... or the horrible person I've turned into but I wish I'd chosen differently. We would've found a way. Jiraiya could have lived. Dan could have lived. We might have even managed to stop Orochimaru from turning into an even worse version of himself.” Sakura chuckles at the same time as Tsunade snorts. They stop for a second and look at each other, each caught in the other's orbit, locked in a prison they never truly managed to escape from.

“We would have been great,” Tsunade eventually says, empty and deprived of all the rage and hatred, all the misery, all those _fucking_ years.

“The greatest,” Sakura agrees and raises a hand towards Tsunade's face, stops herself just before she brushes against her skin. Tsunade doesn't react, doesn't back away, which is the closest to an invitation she will ever come. When Sakura cups her cheek, she cannot help closing her eyes and leaning into the touch. The other woman is quiet but Tsunade knows her. Always has. Always will.

“You can say it,” she speaks and closes her eyes, steels herself for what is about to follow.

“I love you.” Her heart shatters and bursts and she bites her lip as she clutches Sakura's hand.

“I... I can't.” Tsunade tries, but the words refuse to move past her lips. She looks at the other woman and sees little more than resignation in her face. They both know that it's too late. That some things cannot be fixed.

“Will you kiss me before you leave? One last time?” Tsunade releases a shuddering breath before placing her hand on the back of Sakura's neck. They're close enough that she can see the small number of scars Sakura has gained in the years they'd been apart, the beginnings of incredibly faint lines around her eyes. She leans in and captures her lips in a single gentle kiss that's nothing like their earlier violence. It's slow and soft, one last memory before they will part – forever.

It's over way too soon but this is it and while Tsunade would have it any other way, it is too late for her. They don't say goodbye, say nothing at all. She simply turns around and begins to walk away when Sakura's voice holds her back.

“If you could go back... and change everything. Would you?” Sakura asks and the answer is so easy, Tsunade doesn't even have to think about it.

“In a heartbeat,” she replies just moments before disappearing in a cloud of smoke, leaving behind broken dreams, what little remains of her heart and the love of her life.

One year passes. Then two. Three. Fourfivesixseveneightnine-

“Did you finally find a way to live forever?” Orochimaru's never been vain enough to disguise his age like Tsunade had for decades but when he appears out of nowhere in the dingy little fishing village she's been staying in for a few weeks now, the question is a valid one.

“No longer as vain as you used to be, hime?” he asks. Tsunade gives him the finger and leans back, showing off the wrinkles in her face and on her body.

“With age comes wisdom,” she quips and raises her cup at him before gulping the contents down in one go.

“And tea instead of sake? Perhaps I have mistaken you for someone else. I'm looking for a vain alcoholic with a foul temper and chronic rotten luck. Would you have happened to see her?”

“Fuck off.”

“Ah. Now that, at least, is familiar.” He sits down opposite of her and steals an apple slive off her plate. She nearly skewers his thieving hand with a pair of chopsticks but now age truly _has_ caught up to her and his reflexes prove to be superior.

“Come to see if I'm still kicking?” Tsunade can't help but snark. He does bring out the worst in her and it's been ten years since they last saw each other.

“As if you were capable of passing without making sure everyone knows it.” She raises her brows, entirely unimpressed with him. She's kept quite low these past few years, thank you very much. A traveling medic and little else.

“To answer your question. I have. After a fashion.” Now that is interesting. Orochimaru orders a cup of tea himself and remains silent for a few minutes during which Tsunade's temper begins to resurface.

“I took on another student. Smart thing, incredibly helpful. Together, we developed a method to reclaim our youth. Her chakra control is impeccable and her lack of morals truly refreshing. Woman could do with a little more respect but we can't have it all, now can we.” Indeed. She toasts to that before inspecting him a little closer. He does look good. Nothing at all like the results of his body transfusion method which truly left a lot to desire. This version of him resembles pre-sannin Orochimaru so much it's almost enough to make Tsunade nostalgic.

“What did the idiot have to say about that?” Naruto will never be anything else to her, no matter how much he reminds her of her brother.

“Since the experiments were conducted in Sound, very little. I am once more in good standing with the village though the process was... unpleasant.” An understatement, to be sure.

“But, to return to the matter at hand. This is why I came to see you.” He hands her a scrap of paper and when Tsunade unfolds it, cannot quite suppress the little gasp that escapes her lips. She knows that handwriting.

“I know you better than anyone else, hime, and I have never led you astray,” Orochimaru says and forces her to look into his eerie yellow eyes.

“Do it.” She bites her lip, stares at him, then at the note. Hours later, when he is long gone, she crumbles it between her fist, packs her things and leaves for Otogakure.

' _In a heartbeat_.'

She arrives in the dead of the night and is immediately led through the village, into a dark unassuming building, various flights of stairs until the temperatures turn to freezing and Tsunade has lost all sense of direction. Flickering neon lights guide her way to the only door at the end of a pale white hallway.

On the other side wait her oldest friend and a woman she never expected to see again.

“Let's do it,” she says and Tsunade blinks twice before tilting her head in question. Sakura's lips are pressed into a thin line as she stares into her eyes, nothing at all like the aged woman she expected and instead of an exact copy of the one she remembers from the days of her youth. She's the most serious she has ever seen her.

“Do what?” Tsunade asks and something in Sakura's eyes _shifts_.

“Break the cycle.”

“To the best days of our lives,” she says as she kneels before her, naked, with black lines covering every inch of her body. Tsunade bites her lip and stares at her, takes in the pure trust in her eyes, knows that if she does this, there is no way back and nobody but Sakura will ever know what they've done.

“The very best,” she replies and feels Orochimaru's cold hand on her shoulder as she bows down and infuses the array on the ground with all the chakra at her disposal. Before her eyes, Sakura disappears into thin air moments before her vision turns blurry and she sees stars. Then, suddenly, she's falling.

The world ends quietly and without making a sound as people fall asleep and lives all over the nations turn into little more than dreams and nightmares.

“-nade! Tsunade!” With a gasp, she opens her eyes and shoots upwards. Her heart beats so strong she clutches her chest as she looks around, panicked and disoriented.

“Hey. Hey. Calm down.” Her head snaps to the side and is faced with pink hair and green eyes, both mussed and blurry with sleep.

“Are you okay? You were crying.” Tsunade raises a single hand to her cheeks and stares at the wetness that now rests on her fingers.

“I... I don't know. I had a nightmare. I think.” She doesn't see the way Sakura closes her eyes and takes a single deep breath.

“Do you remember what it was about?” she asks as she rubs Tsunade's arm and draws her closer into a loose embrace.

“No... but it felt... real.” Sakura breathes against her neck and strokes her hair before lowering her lips to the crown of Tsunade's head and pressing a single kiss upon it.

“Don't worry. It's over now,” she purrs and Tsunade hears something in her voice she cannot place but exhaustion and lingering remnants of the gutwrenching terror that still cling to her soon make her forget to ask.

“Can we stay in today?” she asks and turns around to sling her arms around Sakura's waist and bury her face in the crook of her neck.

“Yeah. Of course we can,” the woman replies and hugs her closer.

“But you explain to Jiraiya why we couldn't make it to his stupid special training session.” Tsunade snorts and playfully nips at Sakura's skin.

“Will do,” she murmurs and takes a deep breath, inhaling Sakura's fruity fragrance, as the last shreds of her nightmare gradually ebb away into nothingness.

“I love you,” she says and mentally counts her blessings. Tsunade thinks about Sakura, Dan, Jiraiya and Orochimaru as she slips into sleep once more, pleasant dreams waiting for her on the other side.

Sakura looks down onto Tsunade, pulls her even closer and before closing her eyes and surrendering to sleep herself, whispers:

  
“The very best.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have played with many ideas on how to end this but decided on this because it felt right. Tsunade, as she is, is less of a person and more of a combination of regrets, mistakes, and too much trauma to ever be able to be happy again.
> 
> The only way she and Sakura could have been together was if they went back to better times, happier times. Sure, in the end, they were incredibly selfish but Tsunade always has been, same with Orochimaru and the years between have turned Sakura into someone who learned to look out for herself.
> 
> It's not ideal but the, imo, most realistic progression. Either way, I hope you enjoyed this. If not, that's fine too. My TsunaSaku shipping is always 100% self-indulgent and I'm very aware of it. :)

**Author's Note:**

> Currently working on the second part which will be released sometime during the weekend. Hope you enjoyed it so far!


End file.
